Hot Slut Of The Day!

Graciela Rivera (as played by Alma Martinez), the ruthless, batshit insane Mexican cartel queen from The Bridge.

If you haven’t seen one second of Jan Brewer’s favorite show The Bridge, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes-on-speed version of Graciela’s story. SPOILER ALERT! So Annabeth Gish’s (aka Kat from Mystic Pizza) rich old millionaire husband dies and leaves her their huge Texas ranch, which she finds out has a secret underground tunnel to Mexico in it. Annabeth Gish’s husband had a deal with crazy Graciela and let her use the tunnel to smuggle Mexicans into America for money. Now that he’s dead, Graciela expects Annabeth Gish to continue to let her use the tunnel, but Annabeth Gish is like, “No! I can’t! I’m just a simple gold digger! This is wrong! I’m not a criminal! Close the tunnel! I want nothing part of this! I just want to wear J. Jill cardigans all day and look cold and sad and confused and constipated, and then fuck that hot piece Demian Bichir all night.” But Annabeth Gish finds out that when you say “no” to a Mexican cartel queen, your horse gets shanked.

Graciela has Annabeth’s friend Flicka murdered and lets Annabeth know that her human family will be next if she doesn’t open that tunnel back up. So Annabeth Gish opens that tunnel back up and asks one of her shady, shifty fuck pieces from the past to be Graciela’s contact, because she just can’t deal. Shifty dude gladly accepts, because he’s shady and shifty and wants to use the tunnel for other things besides smuggling Mexicans into America. No, he doesn’t want to smuggle in Canel’s chicles and Mexican Coke. He wants to run guns through the tunnel.

So on last night’s episode, Annabeth Gish’s shifty dude meets with Graciela and drops the gun smuggling proposition into her lap. She thinks about his proposition for a quick second and asks him if he likes oral. He kind of says “yeah,” and so she releases her chichis, pulls up her skirt and lets it be known that she’ll only agree to his proposition if he makes her gato purr, scream and barf. YAASSS! Her chocha is the contract, his tongue is the pen and he better sign like he’s never signed before. He better make that contract soggy. He better leave so much ink on that contract that it’ll take daaaaays to dry. Sign on the dotted clit, cabrón.

And the best part is that all of these people are scared of and bowing down to a woman who’s done up like a half-assed Norma Desmond.