Somebody please give me the number to Child Services and Animal Services in Britain, because somebody needs to report the motherfucker who did that to this child and the tortured animal on his head. And yes, I’m typing this while my own hair looks like a pile of hacked-up fur balls that was dried in an oven, teased with a broken fork and electrocuted, but we’re not talking about me here!
99% of the population in London is temporarily deaf right now, because thousands of Directioners screamed their tonsils off at the premiere of One Direction: This Is Us 3D tonight. The screams obviously scared Harry Styles’ hair, because that thing looks spooked as fuck. It looks traumatized. I don’t even know what’s going on with his hair. The top of his hair wants to be a pompadour, the back wants to be the party section of a mullet and the sides are giving me Dorothy Dandridge. It’s like three different people worked on that shit.
When you look at him from the front, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Zac Efron impersonator!” When you look at him from the back, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Billy Ray Cyrus impersonator!” And when you look at him from the side, you think to yourself, “Bless that Hasidic toddler for trying and failing to grow a pair of majestic side curls.”
And Harry might’ve looked a mess at tonight’s premiere, but at least one of his fans kept it one hundred percent sexy. Presenting…the hottest Directioner of them all!
Work that towel, girl! Just don’t tell us what you do with that towel when the lights go off and the One Direction songs come on.