If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.
LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.
LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.
When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:
“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.
I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”
White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.
I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.