Dick Van Dyke Was Rescued From His Flaming Jaguar Today

August 19, 2013 / Posted by:

The international treasure with one of my favorite full names (for obvious reasons), Dick Van Dyke (formal name: Penis Van Lesbian), nearly did The Penguin Dance up to heaven today when his Jaguar burst into flames on the 101 freeway in Calabasas, CA. The Los Angeles Times says that the police were called when Dick’s car turned into a goddamn chiminea on the right shoulder of the freeway at around 2 this afternoon.

Dick apparently had no idea that his car was on fire and he had no idea that he was seconds or minutes away from becoming a flaming Dick. TMZ says a dude named Jason Pennington was driving by and noticed that a pepaw was stuck inside the burning car. Jason pulled Dick Van Dyke out of his flaming car and saved a jewel of humanity! Dick was a little out of it, but he didn’t have any injuries and didn’t need to be taken to the hospital.

It doesn’t surprise me that Dick Van Dyke was saved from a fiery death. Remember when a pod of porpoises magically saved Dick Van Dyke after he fell asleep on a surfboard? Dick Van Dyke is never going to die. Porpoises and heroes named Jason Pennington won’t let him. Thank every God for that.

And here’s the aftermath of Dick’s Jaguar courtesy of Mrs. Van Dyke.

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