It’s a tragic day in ‘Murica when a hillbilly Santy Claus and his best friend/dance partner/pet raccoon are separated by the got damn guvment!
Former HSOTD Mark Brown and his pet raccoon Rebekah took me for a ride above the clouds on an empty moonshine jug when I watched a video of him dancing with her to Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools.” They were destined for big things like starring in a remake of Shall We Dance? together or replacing all those stupid judges on Dancing with the Has-Beens. But sadly, those dreams might not come true now, because the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency has ripped Rebekah from Mark Brown’s arms. Somebody call Obama, because another day cannot go by until the hillbilly Hagrid is reunited with Rebekah!
The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency took Rebekah away, because it’s illegal to keep a wild animal as a pet. Mark Brown thinks that the TWRA only looked into him after his videos went viral. But a rep for the TWRA tells News Channel 5 (via Gawker) that a complaint from a neighbor led to this injustice! Who would complain about a magical hillbilly Santy dancing with a raccoon named Rebekah on his porch?! That’s crazy. That’s like complaining about a rainbow appearing before you in the sky, because you think it’s ugly and it hurts your eyes. That’s like complaining about a 9″ hard dick poking through the glory hole in front of you, because you were really waiting for a 2″ cheese-ridden soft dick with long hairs on its foreskin. When you look over at your neighbor’s house and you see him twisting to Aretha with a raccoon, you don’t complain. You raise your hands up to the sky and thank the lord for gifting your eyes with such a magical sight! I want to complain to the complainer’s parents about bringing a magic-hating asshole into this world.
Before Rebekah, Mark raised another raccoon named Gunshow and he says that nobody ever gave them trouble. Mark Brown uploaded a video to YouTube of him asking the Governor of Tennessee, Bill Haslam, to please give him the permits he needs to keep Rebekah as a pet.
And now here’s a video of Mark and Rebekah during happier times (you may or may not want to shut your eyes for this):
My favorite thing about Mark Brown were his moves, but now my favorite thing about Mark Brown is that he named a raccoon Rebekah with a K.