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August 7, 2013 / Posted by:

The word: Splackavellie.

Pressha (which is what Precious should’ve named her kid) was an R&B singer from the 90s and his one big-ish hit was 1998’s side piece anthem “Splackavellie” and I only know about that song because it was on The Players Club soundtrack. (I think the most nineties-est thing I ever did was order The Players Club CD on Columbia House.) A “Splackavellie” is a side ho your coochie slides over to when your man isn’t making you twitch in the right places. A Splackavellie will work you all night and  “kiss you from your earring to your belly chain, and then go down a lil’ further.” That lyric is so damn late-90s that typing it made CK One seep from my pores.

If you still don’t know what a Splackavellie is, here’s Wikipedia’s definition:

“Splackavellie” is a portmanteau, a blend of “Splack” and “Machiavelli.” “Splack” is an onomatopœia originally used by 2 Live Crew in their song “Put Her in the Buck” as follows: “Lay the bitch on the bed, flat on her back, hold her legs up high, make the pussy splack.” Machiavelli is frequently cited by hip-hop culture e.g., Tupac Shakur’s former stage name, Makaveli. The pragmatic use of deceit and subsumption of personal identity referenced in the lyrics are decidedly Machiavellian.

They used a lot of fancy GOOP words to basically say that a “Splackavellie” is the absolute worst and dumbest name to call your temporary fuck piece. I  know “Splackavellie” is supposed to sound sexy, but it’s as far from sexy as you can get. It sounds like some painful condition or a word that only a person with Tourettes would spit out. It also sounds like the name of a muscle you didn’t know you had until you sprained it while having wild ass sex. “I busted my coccyx and I think I sprained my Splackavellie!

And that’s why I love the word. It’s a stupid mess. And I’m mad that they never turned that video starring everyone’s favorite hired Splackavellie, Shemar Moore, into a full TV series.

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