Lady CaCa’s “Damaging Secrets” Sealed Away FOREVER

August 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Lady CaCa’s former boyfriend/producer Rob Fusari and one of her old songwriting partners Wendy Starland are getting ready to sue her ass any second now, so Lady CaCa ran off to a judge to beg the court to seal the documents when they’re filed. CaCa says that the personal information in the documents could screw with her life.

TMZ says that Wendy Starland’s obviously the one with escandaloso information, because both Rob and CaCa asked the judge to put a lock on the documents. CaCa says that on top of the personal information, the documents will also have details of a financial settlement she made with Rob a while ago. The judge in New York agreed that the info could “seriously injure” CaCa.

WHAT IT CAN BE????

Well, I don’t think it’s that Lady CaCa has a peen tucked between her nalgas, because if she did, she would’ve pulled it out, bedazzled it and waved it for maximum attention a while ago. Maybe Lady CaCa sucked the soul out of Lina Morgana and became her. Maybe Lady CaCa didn’t have a dick, but she did have a conjoined twin stuck to her crotch and after she cut it off, it grew up to be the drowsy nightingale we all know as Lana Del Rey. Maybe CaCa is really a 55-year-old woman and over 32 years ago she had an affair with a married man, got pregnant and gave the baby to him to raise with his wife. That man’s name was Fausto Xavier Aguilera. Or she’s really Putin’s secret anti-gay daughter (she’s trying to throw us off with this ridiculous tweet).

No, I know what it is. The damaging secret is that Lady CaCa actually owns a pair of CROCs and she loves wearing them. She truly is a minion of the devil. FINISH HER!

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