The Daily Mail says that six weeks ago, Simon Cowell pulled his pork-stuffed chest dumplings away from Lauren Silverman’s face for the last time and dumped her married ass. But then a quick minute later, Lauren let out a victorious gold digger cackle when she told Simon that she’s knocked up with a blank check signed by him. Simon: ZERO points. Gold Diggers: ALL THE POINTS!
Earlier in the week, different sources said that Lauren told Simon that she was taking birth control and “tricked” him into getting her pregnant. Lauren supposedly told Simon that he will never see the baby unless he marries her ass. But now the Daily Mail says that Simon isn’t going to make room for Lauren’s shit in his V-neck closet anytime soon. Simon is going to help out Lauren while the fetus they made together grows in her womb, but he’s confused by the whole thing. The source said:
“Simon feels like he’s been done up like a kipper in all of this. He and Lauren split up six weeks ago but the next thing we know he gets a phone call from her saying, ‘Guess what?’ Since then he has been feeling very confused about everything.”
Lauren’s mom ran her mouth over to The Sun and told them that her daughter didn’t get a gold digging degree from HMU (Heather Mills University) and that Simon needs to make things right by marrying Lauren. (Yes, Lauren’s mom is a time traveler from 1923.) Another source (ALL THESE SOURCES!) tells TMZ that Simon is trying to make it work with Lauren and is going to make sure that his baby wears the finest v-neck onesies.
I don’t know why Simon’s skank ass is so shocked and feels tricked. When you bareback bone your friend’s wife, it can end one of three ways:
1. Your ass gets shot.
2. You end up writing a child support check for 18 years.
3. You end up with the Herp.
So Simon should look on the bright side. Instead of ending up dead or with a lifetime of flare-ups, he’s getting years and years of a little brat throwing up on him, shitting on him, slobbering on him and constantly whining for more, more, more, more, more. You know, since I put it that way, Simon probably wishes he got the Herp instead. I would too.