From The Department Of Ick Nast: The Porn Iguana And Creepy Doug Talk About Their Sex Life

If you want to learn that your fuck parts have the ability to shrivel up, lose all their feeling, turn grey and crawl up into your body, then watch the stunning porn iguana and her foreskin-faced husband who talk about their sex life. This is the weirdest and grossest and most disturbing episode of To Catch A Predator EVER.

Because porn iguanas take their sweet, slow ass time down the road toward a 3-porn deal with Vivid, Courtney Stodden is only talking about boning in this sex therapy session she shot with Doug Hutchison for Passion and Pleasure. During the 8-week course, Dr. Ava Cadell (a woman who should get an award for almost doing a spot-on voice impersonation of Rachel Dratch as Barbara Walters) of the totally legit and not-at-all made up Loveology Univeristy (which might be where Dr. Phil got his PhD) gives them tips on how to have a better fuck life.

Courtney tells Dr. Ava that when they first got married, they did it at least once a day and now they only do it once a week. Courtney wants to do it more and wants Doug to dress up like a cop and arrest her. You know, Courtney’s sex fantasy is not far off from my fantasy involving those too. I want an actual cop to show up to their house, handcuff them both and arrest the hell out of them for assaulting my imagination.

But really, I love how they’re still trying to make us think that they hump on each other. The closest they get to sex is him helping her shed her lizard skin, because he’s saving a bunch up to make a clone out of her. And I don’t know if Courtney is trying to be sexy in this mess or if the weight of her medicine ball titties are crushing her lungs and making it almost impossible for her to burp out a breath.

I hope that in a follow-up video, Dr. Ava gives us tips on how to safely pull our brains out of our heads and squeeze out the image of a naked Doug (which probably looks like an old potato with an ingrown sprout).

Here’s the always elegant Courtney and Doug’s Jamie-from-Small-Wonder-after-a-botched-face-lift-looking ass leaving Mr. Chow in L.A. the other night.

Pics: Splash