The last time I went to Subway, I don’t remember them selling frozen piss in a bottle (although, they did have Fuze raspberry iced tea, which is practically the same thing) and I really don’t remember dick dust being a topping. But at the Subway on Tuttle Crossing Boulevard in Columbus, Ohio, you can have a touch of dick on your sub and you can have a peen-shaped footlong. Yes, I’m writing this in the back of a Greyhound bus headed for Tuttle Crossing Boulevard, because at the Subway there, you can eat fresh…dick.
Just like the genius Taco Bell taco-licker before them, two “sandwich artists” at Subway posted pictures on Instagram of them acting the sucio fool at work. The pics were sent into HuffPo Weird News by an anonymous tipster (hahaha…tip) who was disgusted by their acts of foolery and felt like something needed to be done. The tipster says that Subway employee Cameron Boggs is the one who posted (and later deleted) the pics on Instagram. Cameron admitted on Instagram that he’s the gross ho who froze a bottle of his piss at work and his co-worker Ian Jett is the dude who put his dick on the bread. But Ian Jett tells HuffPo that it was a total joke and he wasn’t at work when tapped that loaf of bread with his loaf of peen meat. He says he was at home.
“I would never do that at work — it was at home. This isn’t something I’d ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke.”
First of all, Ian Jett is seriously dedicated to his job, because his kitchen at home looks exactly like the kitchen in a fast food restaurant, stainless steel counters and all. Second of all, judging by that peach-colored piss Slurpee, Cameron didn’t drink any of the water in that bottle before pissing in it. Drink more water, ho! Third of all, putting your dick on a footlong is asking for the size queens to come at you. Ian should’ve slapped his shit on a six-incher, because slapping your shit on a six-incher is like shaving your pubes. It might make your dick situation look larger.
Subway hasn’t commented on this mess yet, but if they fire them, Cameron and Ian can always get jobs as Kim Kardashian’s personal chefs. Oh wait, I don’t think Ian’s peen is black. So scratch that. What I should’ve said is that they can always get jobs as John Travolta’s personal chefs.
And the next time I go to Subway, I’ll be so disappointed if they don’t say to me, “Would you like oil and vinegar or dick sweat?”