The Sun published an ESCANDALOSO blind item story this weekend about some married British rock dude and “responsible father” who bareback fucked a baby into an American writer type and must choose between everybody finding out about his secret love child or paying the chick millions of dollars and child support to close her lips. Here’s The Sun’s clues:
1. The dude is a British rock star who fronts a big, stadium-playing band. The dude’s voice is on the radio all the time.
2. The baby mother lives in NYC and even though it was a one night thing, she knows Chris is the father since she hasn’t spread her raw flower to many peens. She’s thinking of getting her kid DNA tested. She also refused to speak to The Sun.
3. When the mom first told the rock dude she was carrying an adorable ATM with his genes in her womb, he told that her that the kid wasn’t his and stopped talking to her. That’s when she called her lawyers.
4. The baby mother wants him to drop £2 million plus child support into her coin purse or she’s going to spill it all to the media. He’s thinking about paying the baby mother off, because he knows his wife will flip out and dump his ass if she finds out he has another daughter. His lawyers are currently negotiating a settlement with his side piece’s lawyers.
Some source also said this about the rock guy’s wife:
“You do not treat his wife like this — and that is why he is doing everything in his power to stop this coming out. The reality is, the truth will emerge. And my God, will there be fireworks.”
So to recap: Some really famous British singing asshole who’s the frontman of one of the biggest rock bands around passed his unwrapped dick to some chick in NYC, made a baby with her and doesn’t want his wife to find out about it, because she’s a crazy bitch.
The only possible answer rhymes with Piss Fartin. Yes, calling Chris Martin a “rock” star and calling Coldplay a “rock” band is like calling me a sober voice of reason (ridiculous, a fairy tale and untrue), but this is so about him. YAAASSS! Pull out a tub of poppinkdolphinovaries (popcorn is for the poors), because Goopy Paltrow’s going to RAGE! She’s going to beat him in the head with her Matisse sculpture and cook him in her wood-burning outdoor pizza oven (coming soon to GOOP: recipes for charred spotted dick). Nobody humiliates GOOPY (except for Goopy.. when she opens her mouth).