After months of not hearing really anything from their Mother Monster, Lady Gaga finally wet their dried tongues with a drop of CaCa nectar last night by releasing promo art, release dates and an eyeroll-inducing description for her next album/app called
FARTPOP. That tooth-shaped plastic face guard thing immediately reminded me of something I see all the time when I’m driving around California. I’m talking about THIS:
SHAME: CaCa has none! How dare Gaga blatantly steal from the Asian ladies who scare the wrinkles out of my b-hole when I turn to the side and see them wearing a sun visor while driving their car. Even though those sun visors freak me out, they really are the look and highly functional. If the ozone layer ever tore completely open and the sun’s rays fried us all, their faces would stay looking fresh and untouched (not really). They’re also always ready to be the dealer in a really intense game of poker.
But seriously, I like CaCa’s mask and not just because it makes her look like a cavity stuck in a toof. I also like it because it’s the perfect thing to wear when you really want to give a beej but don’t want to worry about anything splattering on your face. If you’re really not in the mood to scoop man cream out of the corners of your eyes, just put on this CaCa cum guard and suck without worry. It’s like a condom for facials.
And here’s the description for ARTPOP. It’s best if you read it while wearing a face visor that’s been tinted so dark that you can’t see out of it.
And here’s CaCa wearing all of Amanda Bynes’ old wigs while leaving the listening party for her single in Beverly Hills last night.