In the newest issue of Film Comment magazine, which has Lindsay Lohan on the cover looking like the most seasoned hooker in a discount brothel, director Paul Schrader writes about what it was like making the direct-to-Cinemax-After-Dark mess The Canyons. Anybody who read the priceless New York Times piece about The Canyons knows that making ass sex porn with a tapir is more pleasant than working on a movie with LiLo. Paul Schrader co-signs that in his piece for Film Comment, but also writes that even though LiLo is a hot needle shoved up his pee slit, she’s magic in front of the camera and is this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. The TRUE modern day Marilyn Monroe, Shauna Sand, would hit Paul in the face with her shoe, but she doesn’t want to dirty up her exquisite lucite heel.
Paul writes that Lindsay Lohan, star of Freaky Friday, is just like Marilyn Monroe, legendary star of too many classics to type, because she’s a messy unreliable wreck who the camera loves. Paul writes (via UsWeekly):
“Similarities? Tardiness, unpredictability, tantrums, absences, neediness, psychodrama—-yes, all that, but something more, that thing that keeps you watching someone on screen, that thing you can’t take your eyes off of, that magic, that mystery. [They both] exist in the space between actors and celebrities, people whose professional and personal performances are more or less indistinguishable. Entertainers understand the distinction. To be successful, a performer controls the balance between the professional and personal, that is, he or she makes it seem like the professional is personal. It is the lack of this control that gives performers like Monroe and Lohan (and others) their unique attraction. We sense that the actress is not performing, that we are watching life itself. We call them ‘troubled,’ ‘tormented,’ ‘train wrecks’ but we can’t turn away. We can’t stop watching.”
Um, anybody who has accidentally switched to I Know Who Killed Me and immediately switched away knows that we CAN stop watching. If your eye rolling muscles haven’t completely snapped off and your eyes got another roll or two in them, keep going:
“[Lindsay] has more natural acting talent [Marilyn]. Like Monroe, her weakness is her inability to fake it. She feels she must be experiencing an emotion in order to play it. This leads to all sorts of emotional turmoil, not to mention on-set delays and melodrama. It also leads, when the gods smile, to movie magic.”
Fuckery, foolery and falsities aside, it’s amazing that Paul Schrader can type all of those words while completely high out of his head on the coke that White Oprah gave him. It’s also amazing that Paul wrote that piece standing up while White Oprah poked his b-hole with her rolled tongue. That’s what I’m taking away from this piece anyway.