In a spread for Flaunt that is giving me flashbacks of ANTM’s bald and bedazzled shoot, Beyonce is covered in TONS OF FUCKING
SEQUINS GLITTER and is farting out unicorn dust. Thanks to all that glitter and that bald head, she looks like the excited clit on a butterly unicorn sticker or like one of Liberace’s overused Q-tips or like Mimi’s favorite dildo. I’m really into this, but that’s only because my eyes get hungry for sparkly things. I’m the sparkle lover who got sent home from school early for pouring all the jars of glitter on the floor while making a cigar box and pasta shell jooree container for my mom. I’m such a cliche, I know.
Flaunt also did a Q&A with Beyonce and for some reason they asked her what her favorite stain is. Beyonce said, “Milk.” MILK! I know she’s trying to sound like she’s embracing all the joys of motherhood (BLAH BLAH BLAH) with that answer, but since my brain is a trash dump I pictured something else. Beyonce saying “milk” is her favorite stain made me think of camel milk, which made me think of Jay-Z, which made me think of Jizz-Z, which made me need to excuse myself . I don’t need those thoughts today.