Jennifer Aniston was paid millions upon millions of dollars to be the face of Aveeno and as the face of Aveeno she has to talk about her skin and shit. The Cut asked Jennifer what her daily skin routine is and she said that she uses Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Scrub (please, you know she doesn’t even use that shit on her dog’s bottom paws) on top of cleansing, toning and moisturizing. She also said that she drinks lots and lots of water, but she didn’t name-drop Smart Water (there goes her quarterly bonus). Jennifer didn’t mention it, but we all know that the key to her glistening skin is the lonely, miserable tears she cried out every night for years. Nothing makes your skin glow like lonely, miserable tears.
After Jennifer talked about filling her mouth hole with healthy foods, The Cut asked her if she’s ever been in a situation where she had to eat fast food. Jennifer said:
I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry. The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system. I am always trying to eat organic and natural foods, so that just made my stomach turn and made me feel terrible. And I think what you put in your body, as well as stress, is reflected in the quality of your skin.
“It was like putting gasoline in a purified system” is a GOOP way of saying, “It made me butt birth a poop baby.” We get it, Jennifer, you got the shits.
But is Jennifer really trying to make us believe that after every break-up she didn’t drive over to McDonald’s, order everything on the menu, drive home, get stoned, throw it all in her Vitamix, pour a bottle of vodka in there, blend and then drink it all up through a straw while listening to Alanis Morissette songs? Uh huh, one Big Mac. Sure, Jennifer, sure.