No, This Isn’t Random At All

Both People and UsWeekly say that Henry Cavill has stopped humping Gina Carano and is now humping Kaley Cuoco from the The Big Bang Theory. If I was writing this post on my phone, auto-correct would change that last sentence to read: WHAT THE HELL?!

Kaley’s rep called UsWeekly from a blocked phone and said, “Hello, this is an anonymous source and I am calling to tell you that the multi-talented, gorgeous, People’s Choice-nominated actress Kaley Cuoco is dating Henry Cavill. Henry is a massive Big Bang Theory fan and he’s always wanted to date Kaley Cuoco. That’s K-A-L-E-Y space C-U-O-C-O. Goodbye!” The “source” really said that part about Henry always wanting to date Kaley. The laughs: Kaley’s publicist knows how to bring them.

The source also said that it’s just beginning stages of their relationship and they’re trying to keep it hush hush. Keep it hush hush? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re doing Henry Cavill, you never close your mouth. When you’re not opening your mouth to wrap your lips around Henry’s peen, you’re opening your mouth to tell everyone that you’ve just wrapped your lips around Henry’s peen. You’d change your voicemail message to say, “Hi, I can’t come to the phone right now, because I’m too busy cumming on Superman’s crotch.” You’d change your e-mail signature to read, “If there’s any spelling or grammatical errors, blame it on the fact that Henry Cavill was doing me hard from behind while I typed this email.” Every time you had to sign a receipt, you’d sign it as the lucky bitch who gets to fuck Superman.

And I can’t hate on Kaley. A trick who wore a busted blond-Elvira-gone-wrong wig to the SAGs (see above) can pull in some hot British dick. Kaley Cuoco is truly living fucking the dream.