Jessica Simpson Birthed Out A Boy And Named Him Ace Knute

The last time a baby was in Jessica Simpson’s womb, it was in there for approximately 2,000 Wendy Davis Filibusters (aka 36 months), so I thought she still had at least 6 months to go before popping out her second one. But I guess, her second kid decided to speed shit up , because at a hospital in L.A. this morning, he rode a wave of amniotic fluid out of Jessica’s vagine. Jessica’s rep tells UsWeekly that her and Eric Johnson decided to name their son and Maxwell Johnson’s little brother ACE KNUTE JOHNSON. My feelings about that name are best expressed through this picture of the late and great Knut the Polar Bear:

Actually, Jessica’s rep says that the name Knute is pronounced “ka-nute.” Jessica and Eric went with the name Knute because that’s his Swedish grandfather’s first name. Still. I KA-NUTE with the name Ace Knute Johnson. When Jessica said that she was naming her kid “Ace Johnson,” I slow clapped for her since Ace Johnson is a bro way of saying “Champion Penis.” But then she just had to throw KNUTE in there. According to this website, Knute is of Scandinavian origin and it means “knot.” So Jessica and Eric named their son Champion Knot Penis. He’s totally going to be the star of the Puppetry of the Penis reboot in 20 years.

And I’m sure that as soon as Ace Knute moved out, a new fetus moved in. I mean, it’s either put a baby in her body or fulfill the rest of her Weight Watchers contract. Buttered Pop Tarts for everyone!