That high-pitched scream that’s peeling layers of skin off of your ear canals is coming from Suri Cruise as she puts on her sturdiest stomping heels to destroy her cheap, pedestrian Disney princess tiara. The staff at Cartier better brace themselves, because Suri is going to jump through their glass doors and throw her Black AMEX at them as she demands to see their most expensive crown. She doesn’t want anything from the showroom either. She wants to see some shit from the vault! Blame Beyonce.
Beyonce kept it demure as always by posting a few “personal” pictures of her highness Blue Ivy Carter on her official Tumblr. Beyonce posted a picture of BIC wearing a crown made of North West’s crystallized tears, Goopy Paltrow’s kidney stones, the white fur from a missing red panda, and a Chivas Regal velvet bag. And that’s just BIC’s daytime crown! Beyonce also posted a picture of BIC’s House of Dereon couture dress (made from the moth balls that Basement Baby coughs up) and a picture of her custom-made ballerina heels. That picture of BIC’s heels is a direct threat to Suri Cruise. That’s BIC’s not-so-subtle way of telling Suri that she better stand back because the real high heel-wearing baby queen is coming through.
And yes, I’m sure BIC got photo approval. BIC’s assistants show her a picture and if she spits up, that means she hates it and her assistants immediately throw it into the fire. They throw themselves into the fire too for wasting the baby queen’s precious time.