The Time A Chick Pulled A Knife On Armie Hammer During Sex

June 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Armie Hammer’s publicist and whoever is in charge of marketing that Lone Ranger disaster should really rub their taint something extra for a job well done, because I haven’t read this much about his vanilla ass since EVER. Here I am thinking that Armie Hammer has the personality of a headless Ken Doll and his publicist is trying to prove me wrong. Armie already told Playboy that when he was single, he liked to get a little rough while boning, but he doesn’t do that anymore now that he’s married, because he respects his feminist wife too much. I look like Andy Cohen today, because my eyeballs are still stuck to the side from all the rolling they did while reading that crap that came out of Armie’s mouth.

Well, Armie is back and is still trying to shed several layers on his “bland as a piece of dehydrated Iceberg lettuce” image. Armie tells Elle (via UsWeekly) that for some reason, people like to pull knives on him. Armie said that when he was in Australia one time, a homeless dude mistook him for someone else and tried to shank up his ass. Armie punched the homeless guy out and stole the knife. Then during Armie’s slut days in L.A., some chick he was boning pulled a knife on him and no, the chick wasn’t Catherine Tramell.

“One chick tried to stab me when we were having sex. I should so not be telling this story. She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.’ And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course I promptly broke up with her. . .seven months later.”

I didn’t know Amanda Bynes and Armie Hammer dated? I wonder if Armie’s wife pulls a knife on him when she tells him to yank her hair during sex and he refuses to, because he respects her too much as a feminist and wife. Speaking of his wife…

Armie comes from old money and his family has gold coins pouring out of all of their orifices. Right after he married his wife Elizabeth, he refused to take money from his family and so they lived on what they made. Armie said that they liked being broke:

“”For a while in our marriage, it was pretty tight and we liked that. We like living sort of hand-to-mouth. It makes you appreciate the time when you don’t have to live like that. We didn’t want to go to my parents and tuck our tails between our legs and be like, ‘Can you help us?’ We wanted to be our own adults. Also, there was once another Hammer, by the name of MC, who spent all of his money really quickly, and I would like to avoid that.”

So I guess Armie went from living hand-to-mouth to living with his foot-in-mouth. I’ve heard people say crap like that before. A rich former boss of mine said to me once something like, “Sometimes I wish I was broke, because it will teach me to appreciate the simpler things in life.” Bitch, shut it. Learn to appreciate your top lip touching your bottom lip. It’s easy for Armie Hammer to say, because living hand-to-mouth for him probably meant he had to buy Grey Poupon instead of eating mustard freshly made by his chefs from a mustard seed plant that grows in the greenhouse. It’s also easy for him to say, because his ass knew he wouldn’t have to live hand-to-mouth forever.

You know what living hand-to-mouth teaches you? That living hand-to-mouth sucks. But you know, I can see this becoming a major trend among the rich. I can see the rich living like the poors for a week to find themselves. Coming Soon: The Hand-To-Mouth Experience by GOOP Travel!

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