The Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Got A Director

June 19, 2013 / Posted by:

The Twatlight fan fiction turned best-selling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is really going to be made into a movie and today Universal Pictures and Focus Features broke Gus Van Zant’s boner by giving the directing job to Sam Taylor-Johnson. Sam Taylor-Johnson directed 2009’s Nowhere Boy and also made babies with that hot young bag of muscles in a curly mop known as Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Sam will direct a script by Kelly Marcel. Michael De Luca, one of the movie’s producers, said this to Deadline about hiring STJ:

“Sam’s unique ability to gracefully showcase complex relationships dealing with love, emotion and sexual chemistry make her the ideal director to bring Christian and Anastasia’s relationship to life. EL James’ characters and vivid storytelling require a director who is willing to take risks and push the envelope where needed, and Sam is a natural fit.”

What he really meant to say is: “We believe that Sam Taylor-Johnson and Kelly Marcel can turn a total piece of shit book into the kind of soft-core piece of shit movie that’ll make millions of middle-aged women throw their money at us while their crotch drowns in panty pudding. Every movie theater is installing a drain underneath each seat as you read this statement.”

And since Aaron Taylor-Johnson is so pretty in the face, she should cast him as the chick. And she should take pity on that weird ass Armie Hammer by casting him as Christian Grey. It’s obvious that he misses pulling hair and slapping ass cheeks during sex. You can practically hear the tears loading in his eyes sockets as he fake smiles while saying that he respects his feminist wife too much to get kinky with her. So yeah, I’ll totally put down an internal organ (that’s the average price of a movie ticket now, right?) to watch Armie Hammer yank on Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s mop.

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