Note: If you want a husband who will slap your ass around, yank at your hair, stick a finger up your b-hole, call you a sucio whore and choke you during fuck times, DO NOT EVER marry Armie Hammer. Because as soon as Armie Hammer puts that ring on your finger, he’ll go from using your hair as sex reins while hitting it from the back to softly whispering Shakespearean sonnets in your ear while doing it missionary style with the lights off. Or something like that.
Kathie Lee Gifford’s personal friend (bitch reminds us of this every other 10 minutes on Today) used to love to get into all sorts of kinky sex time add-ons when he wasn’t married, but now that he is somebody’s husband he’s poured ice water on all those urges, because he respects his wife too much. THIS BITCH. Arm & Hammer has said in other interviews that he really gets into tying knots and carries a rope with him at all times, so of course Playboy asked him he ever gets into some Fifty Shades of Grey shit with his wife and he said this:
Well, if you’re married to a feminist [journalist, restaurateur and actress Elizabeth Chambers] as I am, then it’s…. I don’t know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better—it’s not like I’m suffering in any way. But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair. It gets to a point where you say, “I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.”
So how does his wife feel about having respectful sex?
The two us will literally break out laughing in the middle of it, finish up and be like, “Well, that was oddly fun!” So it becomes a new kind of thing that’s less about “I want to dominate you” and more about both of us having a really good time. It’s just a different style.
Yeah, I don’t get the “breaking out laughing in the middle of it” thing. Usually when you laugh while boning it’s because someone farted or wet queefed, or it’s because you’re doing Jon Gosselin and realized he was serious when he said “yes” after you asked him if it’s all the way in. Some might say that it’s sweet that Armie does it with his wife vanilla-style out of respect, but not me. Can’t you respect me enough to disrespect me during sex times? I’d be pissed if I was Armie’s wife and he didn’t tell me that things would go from Basic Instinct to The Notebook after getting married. Armie should’ve said on the altar, “I promise to love, obey and respect you enough to not pull your hair and call you a dirty slut during sex.” That’s a deal breaker right there.