Oh, Charles Saatchi Was Just Being “Playful” When He Choked Nigella Lawson

June 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Nigella Lawson’s art mogul husband Charles Saatchi finally had something to say about those pictures of him strangling her on the patio of a restaurant in London. After pictures of Charles choking Nigella out were published in the Sunday People over the weekend, Scotland Yard said they were putting their magnifying glasses up to the situation and were deciding whether or not they need to open up an investigation. But Charles says that there’s no need for that, because it was only just a “playful tiff” and that he was only holding her neck like that to “emphasize a point.” It’s a little technique Charles learned at Chris Brown’s School of Point Making.

Charles tells The London Evening Standard that the pictures look disturbing as all hell, but it’s not as bad as it looks. Witnesses say that Charles was yelling at Nigella and she looked in pain when he was choking her out, but he says that she wasn’t hurt and  it wasn’t that serious. Motherfucker, say what?

“About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella’s neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasise my point.

There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place. Nigella’s tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt.

We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled.”

I wish that asshole didn’t say “playful tiff.” Because “PlayfulTiff80” was the AOL screen name of my 8th grade rival.

What in the hell kind of point was Charles trying to make? Was his point that he can easily choke the life out of Nigella when he doesn’t like the words that are coming out of her mouth? Point taken! Does that mean that Nigella can make a point by laying a steak knife on his soft dick? Or should she just shove a fork up his ass? Yeah, that’s more subtle. “Oh, officer, I wasn’t being violent. I was ONLY shoving a fork up his ass to make a point. I was only bolding my words.”

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