Looking like a bronzed oil slick with abs, Cristiano Ronaldo maintained his spicy pork rind skin by taking in a whole lot of sun with a dude friend on a yacht in Miami today. It’s been way too long since I’ve written anything about Crispy and I miss getting a major craving for a microwaved Slim Jim dipped in chili oil whenever I look at his skin. Crispy’s skin is like fine Portuguese leather. Don’t you just want to stick your wallet, house keys, cell phone, condoms and your vaporizer one-hitter up his ass and carry him everywhere you go? And don’t you just want to rip your drivers side leather car seat out and replace it with Crispy Ronaldo? Cadillac should really offer that as an upgrade.
And I’ve always loved Crispy, because he’s single-handedly keeping Sun-In alive, dresses like an extra from the 80s video game Out Run and is always lubed up and ready to go. He’s like a humanized leather condom.