Since crazy Directions will buy anything with One Direction’s name on it, the band of yodeling English and Irish twinkies are putting out a perfume called “Our Moment.” (The full title is: “It’s Our Moment So We’re Going To Make As Many Millions As We Can Before A New Group of Singing Fetuses Hatches And Takes Away Out Thunder.”) “Our Moment” could smell like the sewage system under a colonic clinic mixed with the scent a cokehead’s tonsil stones and those Directioners would still bathe in it, douche with it and gargle with it. So it makes sense that they’re putting out a bottle of stank, and to get their fans pre-creaming over its release in August, they put out a commercial.
Millions of Directions are currently numb from the waist down and flopping around on the floor and it’s all because about five seconds into the commercial, Harry Styles kisses the skinny one Zayn on the cheek. Those bitches know what they’re doing. Even though my heart doesn’t feel anything, that kiss is sort of sweet and it’s all because Harry Styles still looks like a quirky silent movie ingenue to me. And really, there’s so much twinkie homoeroticism in that commercial that it looks like a trailer for XY: THE MOVIE.
And hopefully for Harry Styles’ sake scientists discover that there’s so much acid in “Our Moment” that it can also be used to burn off tattoos you regret getting.