Alexander Skarsgard And Ellen Page Aren’t Doing It

The other day, a picture from Twitter of ASkars and Ellen Page looking like two members of a denim gang cuddling after robbing a Levi’s made the rounds and The Daily Mail (aka the only news source you can trust to deliver the one hundred percent truthiness) said they’ve been dating for over a year. This caused millions of people (no, it didn’t) to Google the question “Does Alexander Skarsgard have a vagina we don’t know about?” because whores sprained their brains while trying to picture ASkars and Ellen Page as a for real couple. But according to one of People’s sources, they aren’t having hot midget giant sex.

Some source tells People that ASkars and Ellen are only friends and they’re not double bearding for each other and she’s not using his lighting rod dick to do chin-ups while warming up for fuck times with him. They are only friends who go to hockey games with each other and cuddle in San Francisco parks together.

To me, ASkars and Ellen were as believable as a couple as Fred Phelps and my asshole (actually, depending on which glory holes Fred Phelps trolls, he and my asshole might’ve already dated), but I’m still a little sad to hear they’re not doing it in real life. If they were, they could’ve had a foursome with Hayden Panettiere and her giant Ukrainian boyfriend. It’d be like Cirque de SoLittlePeopleAndGiantSex and I’d want a front row ticket. But whatever, ASkars and Ellen are only friends and co-stars and hopefully they stay co-stars and star together as Batman and Batgirl in a movie. Or the Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout. I’m not picky.