Jose Canseco Won’t Face Rape Charges

June 8, 2013 / Posted by:

Detectives of the Las Vegas Police Department put their magnifying glasses on Twitter’s dim uncle Jose Canseco last month when a woman claimed that he raped her. Since Jose Canseco has a PhD in Wonderful Decision Making, he declared his innocence on Twitter and then pretty much encouraged his followers to harass the woman by tweeting her name, phone number and work address. Well, Jose is now off the hook, because the LVPD told Fox 5 in Vegas that they aren’t filing rape charges against him. The case is now closed.

Of course, Jose immediately celebrated on Twitter and said that he passed a polygraph test. I don’t know if I’d call it passing. From what I heard (I did not hear this), the polygraph machine wrote “UNHOOK ME FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER NOW! MERCY! MERCY!” on the graph paper so the person conducting the test took a hint.

Jose also said on Twitter that the woman who accused him should give him an apology and explanation. Jose openly told the woman that he knows her boyfriend put her up to it and he doesn’t want to have to file civil suit against her. Then he went on to spit out this shit:

Is wrong the new lieing more acceptable in our society than telling the truth because u will be called a snitch.

im selling my results of my polygraph tests. email to make an offer.

Polygraph results up for sale with the true detailed story of what happened that night.

Still selling polygraph results. Bunch of clowns not offering enough.

I really want to throw my money at my laptop screen, because I really need to own Jose Canseco’s stupid ass polygraph test results. But I’m going to wait. Jose will eventually have to take a polygraph test after that Raquel Welch wax figure presses charges against him for doing whatever it is he’s doing to it in that picture above and I’d rather own those results instead (not really, not at all).

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