“These Are The Only Reasons Why Anybody’s Going To Pay To See This Shit Show Of A Movie!”

June 7, 2013 / Posted by:

On IMDB, the plot for Nick CassavetesThe Other Woman reads like this:

After realizing she is not her boyfriend’s primary lover, a woman teams up with his wife and plots mutual revenge.

If the producers really want to make history by selling out the entire run of their movie before it even hits theaters, they should update the plot to read:

KATE UPTON’S TITS BOUNCE IN THIS!

The Other Woman stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Kate Upton, Taylor Kinney and Nicki Minaj, and Cameron probably thinks that she’s finally going to get top billing again since she’s the biggest star in that cast, but sorry, trick. Kate Upton’s chichis are totally getting top, bottom and middle billing.

Because Nick Cassavetes knows what’s really going to sell his movie, he shot a trampoline scene with Kate, Cameron and Leslie in the Hamptons yesterday. I love how Leslie and Cameron are acting like their parts are really going to end up in the final cut. They should just stand there and file their nails while not giving a hell, because the cutting room floor is where there parts are going to end up. My guess is that Kate Upton plays a character who works as a trampoline trainer/car washer/t-shirt tester/rainstorm marathon runner. So one percent of the movie will be Cameron and the cast talking about how glorious Kate’s tits are and the rest of the movie will be Kate jumping on a trampoline, washing a car in a bikini, testing wet t-shirts and running marathons in the rain. And to avoid that whole chafed nipple thing, Kate will run topless.

Kate’s chichis aren’t as nearly as magnificent as Christina Hendrick’s, but they’re still spectacular. They’re so spectacular that every hour on the hour, a head will pop out from Kate’s side to look at her chichis and say, “Damn, those are spectacular!”

She’s got her own chichi cuckoo clock. And yeah, they might as well rename the movie Kate Upton’s Chichis (and the other woman aka Cameron Diaz).

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