Afternoon Crumbs

Courtney Stodden got a pair of silicone titty bags installed and celebrated by posing in a totally natural photo shoot. The porn iguana truly is a masterful model, because look at how she makes a sensual dead-eyed face as the skin on her chest slowly rips open – The Superficial

The model who RPattz kisses in his Dior ad should really be put in the Twihard Protection Program, because they’re coming after her – Lainey Gossip

It’s the early 80s so Paul Rudd really needs some side beard creeping out of his chonies to make this look authentic – Towleroad

Miley Cyrus and her attention whore tongue star in VICE: The Music Video – Hollywood Tuna

Something your eyes really didn’t need today: Backdoor Farrah’s uncensored topless surgery picture – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Beyonce’s next album is going to take a while because she’s still deciding who she wants to copy from – The Berry

Melissa Etheridge should’ve just called it a day and say “AH’M TEAM ANISTON FOREVER!” – Celebitchy

Shailene Woodley got cut from The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Just Jared

I wish that after Jenny McCarthy put a spoonful of that salad in her mouth, the photographer told her that the dressing is made with vaccines – ICYDK

It feels like Busy Phillips’ is doing it the Jessica Simpson way by staying pregnant for years – Popoholic

Oh look, Kim Kartrashian just happened to be in front of a camera…. while in a bikini…. five days before giving birth – Popsugar

The only thing about Matt Lauer that’s 9 inches, extra girthy and salivating at the tip is his ego – SOW

The fashion world will never be the same again: The Men’s Wearhouse dude got fired – Hollywood Rag

Selena Gomez is scrubbing the Justin Bieber off of her body with a ginger bush – I’m Not Obsessed

NOOOOO!!!! Now who will write songs about black mascara tears that I’ll listen to on my headphones when nobody’s around? – Videogum

Bad news for gold diggers, Bethenny Frankelstein isn’t getting married again – Reality Tea

“Whatever happened to Freddie Prinze Jr.?” is the question I ask myself every single day – HuffPo 

The Glitter Gays of YouTube just got their new captains – Jezebel

The Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie Got A Director

The Twatlight fan fiction turned best-selling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is really going to be made into a movie and today Universal Pictures and Focus Features broke Gus Van Zant’s boner by giving the directing job to Sam Taylor-Johnson. Sam Taylor-Johnson directed 2009′s Nowhere Boy and also made babies with that hot young bag of muscles in a curly mop known as Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Sam will direct a script by Kelly Marcel. Michael De Luca, one of the movie’s producers, said this to Deadline about hiring STJ:

“Sam’s unique ability to gracefully showcase complex relationships dealing with love, emotion and sexual chemistry make her the ideal director to bring Christian and Anastasia’s relationship to life. EL James’ characters and vivid storytelling require a director who is willing to take risks and push the envelope where needed, and Sam is a natural fit.”

What he really meant to say is: “We believe that Sam Taylor-Johnson and Kelly Marcel can turn a total piece of shit book into the kind of soft-core piece of shit movie that’ll make millions of middle-aged women throw their money at us while their crotch drowns in panty pudding. Every movie theater is installing a drain underneath each seat as you read this statement.”

And since Aaron Taylor-Johnson is so pretty in the face, she should cast him as the chick. And she should take pity on that weird ass Armie Hammer by casting him as Christian Grey. It’s obvious that he misses pulling hair and slapping ass cheeks during sex. You can practically hear the tears loading in his eyes sockets as he fake smiles while saying that he respects his feminist wife too much to get kinky with her. So yeah, I’ll totally put down an internal organ (that’s the average price of a movie ticket now, right?) to watch Armie Hammer yank on Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s mop.

Open Post: Hosted By Chicken Cutlets On Crutches

Prayer circle around the ho stroll, international supermodel and blockbuster movie star (see: her spotlight-stealing role in Get Smart) Phoebe Price is down, but not out, in Beverly Hills. Last week and this week Dlisted was broke down, busted and going through some serious crap and now here’s a broke down, busted PP shuffling along the ho stroll yesterday on crutches. This is not a coincidence. When the patron saint of Dlisted, PP, bleeds, the site bleeds. When PP goes down, Dlisted goes down. So yeah, I blame all of this on her.

And the paps say that PP busted her ass, literally. She bruised and broke her nalgas, which I’m sure looks like two uncooked sourdough round loaves covered in cinnamon. I’m always up PP’s ass and then PP busts her ass and then Dlisted breaks. It all makes sense now.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Pics: Splash

Serena Williams Would Like To Clarify Those Comments She Made About Steubenville Rape Case

During an interview with Rolling Stone, Serena Williams spilled out her thoughts about the Steubenville rape case, which was a good thing, because so many of us were aimlessly wandering around the land, not knowing what to think about that case until we heard what Serena Williams’ thoughts about it were. The TV was on during her talk with Rolling Stone and when news about the Steubenville rape case came on, she shook her head and said she wasn’t blaming the victim and then she went on to blame the victim.

“Do you think it was fair, what they got? They did something stupid, but I don’t know. I’m not blaming the girl, but if you’re a 16-year-old and you’re drunk like that, your parents should teach you—don’t take drinks from other people. She’s 16, why was she that drunk where she doesn’t remember? It could have been much worse. She’s lucky. Obviously I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t a virgin, but she shouldn’t have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that’s different.”

I didn’t know I was related to Serena Williams! One of my relatives (I’m not naming names) once said to me that she went to the club the night before and couldn’t believe how slutty the girls were dressed. They were begging to be raped. My relative was wearing leopard print capri leggings, bronze wedges and a lime green peasant blouse while she said this, so her outfit told me that her closet was begging to be put out of its misery.

After Serena basically said that Heineken should change their tagline to “Drink Responsibly or You’ll Get Raped,” many people screamed at Serena like they were her and she was a linesman official. So Serena wrote up a statement on her website and sort of said that she didn’t really say that:

“What happened in Steubenville was a real shock for me. I was deeply saddened. For someone to be raped, and at only sixteen, is such a horrible tragedy! For both families involved – that of the rape victim and of the accused. I am currently reaching out to the girl’s family to let her know that I am deeply sorry for what was written in the Rolling Stone article. What was written – what I supposedly said – is insensitive and hurtful, and I by no means would say or insinuate that she was at all to blame.

I have fought all of my career for women’s equality, women’s equal rights, respect in their fields – anything I could do to support women I have done. My prayers and support always goes out to the rape victim. In this case, most especially, to an innocent sixteen year old child.”

Rolling Stone says that they have the receipts, because the entire interview was recorded.

Celebwhores using the “I’m sorry if I offended anybody” line was getting boring and predictable, so kudos to Serena Williams for changing it up by saying “…what I supposedly said.” I can’t wait to use that one. “Okay, okay, stop crying, I’m sorry I SUPPOSEDLY called you a dumb cunt.”

Presented With Just Two Comments: A Giant Snake That Can Open Doors

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2. Let’s just get it out of the way and declare The Hammaconda our new overlord already. It can get up, open doors and go to the bathroom by itself, so it’s only a matter of time before we’re all its slaves. I can’t wait.

via Buzzfeed

People Magazine Says The Kimye Baby Was 3 Weeks, Not 5 Weeks, Premature

When Kim Kartrashian birthed out the next generation of fame whores 5 weeks early, I just figured that she induced really early into the summer because she wanted to get all her fat sucked out in time for staged bikini photo-op season. But a source (yes, let’s just nod and pretend like the source isn’t Pimp Mama Kris) tells People that Kim had complications and that’s why she popped out the Kimye baby prematurely. The source also says that Kaptain Krunch Kardashian West came into the world 3 weeks early and not 5 weeks early as previously reported. Yes, this matters (no, it doesn’t).

Sources in Kim’s tight circle (Note to People: None of Kim’s circles are tight) say that Kim was admitted into Cedars-Sinai on June 14th due to complications. Kanye West had just came back from whoring out Yeezus in Europe and immediately ran to Kim’s side (read: took a leisurely ride from the airport to his mansion, spent a couple of hours picking out the perfect leather pants to wear in the waiting room, powdered his b-hole and tried to remember Kim’s name before finally going to the hospital). The sources say that Kim was about 37 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and she gave birth to the 5lb Illuminati golden child naturally. Kim and Kanye’s kid is still in an incubator at the hospital, but  is doing fine. Well, as fine as a baby can be when Pimp Memaw Kris is shoving E!’s cameras in her faces and measuring her body for the monokini she’ll wear for her public unveiling on the first episode of KRIS!.

Everything I know about pregnancy I learned from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, so correct me if I’m the opposite of right, but isn’t 37 weeks considered full term? But then again, I’m pretty sure that the gestation period of the spawn of a gay fish and a factory-defected Real Doll is about 40 weeks, so maybe she really was premature. As for the name, Media TakeOut says they named their kid “Kaidence Donda West” and Hollywood Life says they’re naming her “Kai Georgia Donda West.” I say NO to both of those names. Since Kanye is obviously going to put his mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name, they should name her Donda Esta Ellos Kardashian West. I mean “Donda Esta Ellos?” is the question that the poor child will be asking her nannies every time her parents abandon her, which will be all the time.

And here’s PMK bonding with her middle shelf hos during a little family photo-op in Calabasas yesterday.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Pics: Splash

The KKK Is Going To Ask Paula Deen To Be Their New Resident Chef In 3…2…

“Nothing goes with apple pie quite like a huge dollop of racism, y’all!”

Last year, Lisa Jackson, the former GM of the restaurant in Savannah that Paula Deen owns with her brother Bubba Hiers (Reminder: His government name IS Bubba Hiers) sued both of their butter-covered asses for treating her like shit lukewarm margarine during the 5 years she worked for them. Lisa claimed in her lawsuit that Bubba constantly sexually harassed her and that both Bubba and Paula Deen were deep fried racists who spit out n-bombs faster than they spit out a piece of raw broccoli that’s not covered in cheese and butter gravy. The National Enquirer (aka The Grain Of Salt Times) says that during a deposition on May 17th, which was videotaped, Paula not only admitted that Bubba is a cokehead porn-a-holic, but she also admitted to using the n-word and went on to mouth fart out some racist foolery. Lisa’s lawyers asked Paula if the n-word has ever fallen off of her tongue while telling a joke and she nonchalantly said:

“Yes, of course. It’s just what they are — they’re jokes…most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks…I can’t determine what offends another person.”

Then Lisa’s lawyer asked Paula about the time when she told her staff that her dream wedding is one where “little niggers” wear white suits and tap dance around while serving the guests. Paula didn’t deny saying that either and said she got the idea from a restaurant she went to:

“The whole entire waiter staff was middle-aged black men, and they had on beautiful white jackets with a black bow tie. I mean, it was really impressive. That restaurant represented a certain era in America…after the Civil War, during the Civil War, before the Civil War…It was not only black men, it was black women…I would say they were slaves.”

Well, I guess now we know that Paula pours melted butter on her crotch and does herself while watching Gone with the Wind. We also know that Django Unchained was probably the saddest movie Paula has ever seen. Django  Unchained is Paula’s Where the Red Fern Grows. If this is Paula’s way of becoming the KKK’s (the racist group, not the group of whores run by Pimp Mama Kris) newest and most favorite racist pin-up ho, then it’s working.

Paula has previously denied saying racist crap and this is coming from The National Enquirer, so if you believe this then you’ll also have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a down-low bi-sexual sex fiend and that Kim Kartrashian faked her pregnancy. Actually, I believe both of those too. Damn you, Paula Deen! Fuck yourself with a stick of frozen margarine. You’re tainting butter for me!

Armie Hammer Respects His Feminist Wife Too Much To Pull Her Hair While Getting Down

Note: If you want a husband who will slap your ass around, yank at your hair, stick a finger up your b-hole, call you a sucio whore and choke you during fuck times, DO NOT EVER marry Armie Hammer. Because as soon as Armie Hammer puts that ring on your finger, he’ll go from using your hair as sex reins while hitting it from the back to softly whispering Shakespearean sonnets in your ear while doing it missionary style with the lights off. Or something like that.

Kathie Lee Gifford’s personal friend (bitch reminds us of this every other 10 minutes on Today) used to love to get into all sorts of kinky sex time add-ons when he wasn’t married, but now that he is somebody’s husband he’s poured ice water on all those urges, because he respects his wife too much. THIS BITCH. Arm & Hammer has said in other interviews that he really gets into tying knots and carries a rope with him at all times, so of course Playboy asked him he ever gets into some Fifty Shades of Grey shit with his wife and he said this:

Well, if you’re married to a feminist [journalist, restaurateur and actress Elizabeth Chambers] as I am, then it’s…. I don’t know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better—it’s not like I’m suffering in any way. But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair. It gets to a point where you say, “I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.”

So how does his wife feel about having respectful sex?

The two us will literally break out laughing in the middle of it, finish up and be like, “Well, that was oddly fun!” So it becomes a new kind of thing that’s less about “I want to dominate you” and more about both of us having a really good time. It’s just a different style.

Yeah, I don’t get the “breaking out laughing in the middle of it” thing. Usually when you laugh while boning it’s because someone farted or wet queefed, or it’s because you’re doing Jon Gosselin and realized he was serious when he said “yes” after you asked him if it’s all the way in. Some might say that it’s sweet that Armie does it with his wife vanilla-style out of respect, but not me. Can’t you respect me enough to disrespect me during sex times? I’d be pissed if I was Armie’s wife and he didn’t tell me that things would go from Basic Instinct to The Notebook after getting married. Armie should’ve said on the altar, “I promise to love, obey and respect you enough to not pull your hair and call you a dirty slut during sex.” That’s a deal breaker right there.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Muppet roadkill wig(s) that Cher wore on the season finale of The Voice last night. 

Who cares if Cher wore all the office supplies on her blazer last night? (Cher never knows when she might feel the sudden need to collate and staple.) Who cares if Cher opened herself up to a million Depends thong jokes when she wore Justin Bieber’s™ droopy diaper pants. Who cares if Cher’s new single “Woman’s World” sounds like the Euro remix of every song on her “Living Proof” album playing backwards at once. Who cares if Cher was so stiff that if she was lubed up, John Travolta would’ve grabbed a ladder, sat on her head and showed her what the inside of his Scientolohole looks like. Who cares if that performance was so confusing that I didn’t know if she was singing live, synching her lips to a track or if the track was synching to her lips. She’s Cher! She’s 67 and can do whatever the hell she wants.

Cher snatched every pop ho’s wig and threw them all on her head to perform on The Voice last night and made every bitch wish their plastic surgery looked that good when they’re almost 70. Cher still moves her body onstage more than Brit Brit does, but she was still as stiff as a dick on Viagra and I don’t care about that either. In case you missed it, here’s Cher doing the most while doing the least:

The best part of this beautiful mess was the pile of wigs on top of her head. I saw a picture on Yahoo! the other day of 6 king squirrels whose tails were fused together from huddling in a formation for so long and that’s pretty much what Cher’s wig looks like. She’s got a king squirrel formation on her head.

It looks like the pink one mounted the black one and is going balls deep while two other pink ones watch. There’s definitely some messed up shit happening on Cher’s head. PETA hates her, Mama June wants to eat her and I love her. She’s Cher!

Birthday Sluts

Macklemore (30)
Paula Abdul (51)
Atticus Shaffer (15)
Paul Dano (29)
Zoe Saldana (35)
Mia Maestro (35)
Rebecca Loos (36)
Hugh Dancy (38)
Poppy Montgomery (38)
Jean Dujardin (41)
Robin Tunney (41)
Lara Spencer (44)
Mia Sara (46)
Sadie Frost (48)
Kathleen Turner (59)
Ann Wilson (63)
Phylicia Rashad (65)
Salman Rushdie (66)
Gena Rowlands (83)