Afternoon Crumbs

Kristen Stewart went to Hooters in Texas and actually smiled naturally and I’m guessing it has a lot to do with her being surrounded by chichis – Popsugar

Katy Perry says something no one should ever say out loud: “I’m madly in love with John Mayer” – Lainey Gossip

Two things: 1) I can’t wait to hear 12 hip hop songs of Amanda Bynes singing about how ugly everybody is and; 2) Wearing your wig in the Jacuzzi is never a good idea, but I’m okay with Amanda doing it, because at least her wig got sanitized – The Superficial

And 12 minutes later, the coroner came in to dispose of the hos that Russell Brand destroyed – Towleroad

Eddie Murphy’s newest piece is still in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Lee should write everybody’s yearbook quote from now on – Drunken Stepfather

The first picture is basically me in 35 years at the old sluts retirement home and I can’t wait – The Berry

Brooke Mueller has quit rehab and that isn’t the first time I’ve written those words and it probably won’t be the last – ICYDK

Eva Longoria looks like a slutty esthetician from the future – Popoholic

Please let there be a Wife Swap with Ivanka Trump and Katie Holmes – Celebitchy

Russell Brand is really, really smooth – IDLYITW

White Oprah better step it up, because Backdoor Farrah somehow found a way to be more delusional than her – Reality Tea

Panty Creamer of the Day: TILDA!!!!! – Just Jared

Charlie Sheen is trying to fire Selma Blair - I’m Not Obsessed

In case you really want to know how Serena Williams feels about the Steubenville rape case – Jezebel

THANK GOD Lindsay Lohan is at a rehab place that allows staged photo-ops – HuffPo

Nick Cannon’s got his very own Hammaconda – SOW

That bristle brush headpiece still looks better than Amanda Bynes’ wig – SOW

“YAAAASSS!” said my 8-year-old self – Videogum

Grab RiRi And Get Bopped In The Head With Her Mic

WARNING: If you plan on going to a RiRi show, you should know that you will get a headache from listening to her live goat yodel voice and you may get a concussion when she clocks in the head with her mic.

During one of her shows, RiRi was singing in the audience when a bold ass fan decided it was a good idea to grab and pull her toward them. RiRi reacted by clocking that trick in the head with her mic and the sound of that BOOM is the reason why I’m cackling today. It could’ve been worse, though. RiRi could’ve knocked that trick’s head off by headbutting them with her infinity head. And RiRi and Miguel should really get together to co-headline The Concussion World Tour.

And I think I’m also suffering from a head injury from leaning my head over to watch all 14 seconds of that damn video.

Source: Kid Fury via ONTD

This Definitely Needs More Prancing Camel Toe

The good news is that Joanna Rohrback, the be-wigged prancing swan, is back and is prancing her way into our hearts again. The shitty news is that she’s using her graceful prancing moves in the lyric video for John Mayer’s new single “Paper Doll” which is supposedly about Taylor of Green Gables. The shittier news is that Joanna must’ve put three industrial-strength Cuchinis on her crotch, because I’ve practically pressed my eyeballs against the screen and I still can’t make out her prancing camel toe. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, because today I learned that Joanna can gracefully prance like a flying unicorn galloping against the clouds without showing her camel toe. I really thought her prancing powers were activated by her camel toe. I don’t know this world anymore.

Anyway, when Taylor Swift put out a song that made it sound like John Mayer did her on her pirate princess bed and was out the door before she could even wipe up the cum puddle on her stomach with a strawberry-scented cum rag, he said that it made him “sad” and he didn’t deserve that. Well, I guess John’s still sad, because his new song “Paper Doll” is totally about Taylor Swift’s ass. Jezebel transcribed the lyrics for John Mayer’s soft blues diss track:

Paper doll, come try it on
Step out of that black chiffon
Here’s a dress of gold and blue
Sure was fun being good to you

This one we made just for Fall
And Winter runs a bit too small
This mint green is new for Spring
My love didn’t cost a thing

You’re like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they’re runnin’ from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper doll

Fold a scarf, Moroccan red
And tie your hair behind your head
Strap into some heels that hurt
You should’ve kept my undershirt

Cut the cord and pull some strings
And make yourself some angel wings
And if those angel wings don’t fly
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky

So what I’m getting from that is that John humped it and dumped it and that Taylor is a flimsy, delicate, one dimensional doll who really needs to get over it. Taylor Swift is probably in the studio right now yodeling out a response to John Mayer’s diss trick and then he’s going to go back into the studio and sing out a response to her response.  They’re going to keep going back and forth and it’s our ears who are paying the price. Our ears are in the middle. Can’t they just shank each other in a back alley and get it over with?

But John does get an extra point for bringing Prancercise into it.

Brad Pitt’s Going To Talk To Melissa Etheridge About That Whole “St. Angie Isn’t Brave” Thing

Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.

At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:

“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”

Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.

And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.

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Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Nigella Lawson’s Husband Gets A Gentle Slap On The Wrist For Attacking Her

Nigella Lawson’s 70-year-old millionaire husband Charles Saatchi has backed away from that whole “Oh, we were just playing a little game of “I choke you out and you look terrified as shit’” claim and has accepted a warning from the police for strangling her during a fight on the patio of their favorite restaurant in London last week.

The London Evening Standard says that Choke You Out Charlie went to the police station and talked with investigators for four hours, but only because he wanted to get the whole situation behind him so he can get back to putting his hands on Nigella’s mouth and neck when his ears don’t like the words that she’s saying. Even though Nigella never filed a report, Charles says he took the blame and sashayed away with nothing but a small slap on the nalgas. Charles strangling Nigella was more intense than the slap the police gave him. Charles said this about the whole thing:

“Although Nigella made no complaint I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.”

Nigella hasn’t said anything about this, but her rep said that she and her chirruns left their house. The rep didn’t say if it was temporary or permanent.

A caution? That’s like a soft slap on the hand followed by a boo boo kiss. Sometimes the police are funny. This is why abuelitas should run the police force in every city in every country. An abuelita’s idea of a warning is the down-eye of doom she throws as she pulls her chancelta off of her foot.

Blasphemy = Kanye West’s American Psycho Short Movie

Kanye Kardashian (née West) queefed out this American Psycho short shit show to promote Yeezus and I’ve never been attacked with a chainsaw by Patrick Bateman while a starving rat ate cheese out of my culito, but I have a feeling that’s less painful than watching this wretched turd. Everybody (including my dumb ass) who said that Scott Isadick needs to play Patrick Bateman in some form needs to slap themselves with a Huey Lewis CD for putting that idea into the universe, because now that nightmare has come true. Scott’s acting is so damn awful that he makes the “walrus coming out of a long coma” moans that Kim Kartrashian makes in her sex tape seem like they came from an actual human who feels real human emotions. Yes, Scott brutally murders Jonathan Cheban (aka the troll that Khloe Kardashian found hiding in a tree hole while she was out hunting for deer one night), but even that can’t save this mess.

Scott’s voice gets so high at the end that it sounds like Pimp Mama Kris is grabbing his nutsack with her demon claw and slowing pulling it out by the root. He sounds like Mickey Mouse getting castrated. And yes, a castrated Mickey Mouse would make a better Patrick Bateman than Scott Disick.

via HuffPo

Today’s Dose Of Demure Elegance Provided By Mimi

At any time of day, on any day of the week, you can close your eyes and know that somewhere in the world Mimi is running around all horny-like with her Hello Titty balls out. Every ho should take comfort in that.

Yesterday, the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of the Lambs Instagrammed pictures of her shooting a video in Italy in with brain damage inducer Miguel. And it isn’t a Mimi video unless she’s wearing something that makes it easy for her Wuzzle nipples to pop out at any second. That monokini looks like it was made using scraps from the old Slut Dress (NEVAH 4GET) and metal triangle protractors. That giant black arrow pointing to her butterfly cave is really what takes this look to the upper echelons of elegance.

And in other Mimi news, Troll Dupri tweeted that her next album is coming out on July 23rd and she’s calling it The Art Of Letting Go. TOO EASY.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Hairy “Pervert Guard” Stockings from China!

Yeah, I know you’re rolling your eyes and sighing into your coffee thinking that this is just another Kartrashian post, but it isn’t. Sort of. On Weibo (China’s answer to Twitter) yesterday, one of the most popular stories was about a pair of furry stockings for young girls called 防狼丝袜, which roughly translates into “Kardashian legs.”  The caption that went with the picture above reads like this:

“Super sexy, summertime anti-pervert full-leg-of-hair stockings, essential for all young girls going out.”

That picture is supposedly of the hairy stockings and it’s not just a picture of a dude with hairy legs wearing hairless feet stocks. There’s a chance that this could be fake, but then again it’s coming from China and China is trying to dethrone Japan as the land of fresh fuckery. Sure, this mess could keep perverts from eye-boning your legs, but as soon as you step outside the house in these, Lamar Odom is immediately going to hump one leg while Scott Disick humps the other. Nobody wants that.

Whoever made these are marketing them to the wrong crowd. They should market these to naturally hairless twinks who want to butch up their look and be the hottest cub on the bear circuit. Hairy ass underwear and hairy dick condoms not included.

via Laughing Squid (Thanks, Ben and Leon!)

Birthday Sluts

Raffaella Carrà (70)
Max Records (16)
Willa Holland (22)
Renee Olstead (24)
Blake Shelton (37)
Kerry Butler (42_
Kurt Browning (47)
Robin Christopher (48)
Kim Dickens (48)
Dizzy Reed (50)
Alison Moyet (52)
Andrea Evans (56)
Carol Kane (61)
Isabella Rossellini (61)
Sir Paul McCartney (71)

Melissa Etheridge Doesn’t Think St. Angie’s Double Mastectomy Was Very Brave

Tammy Lynn Michaels can take a break from writing haikus about how Melissa Etheridge has left her so poor that she has to feed her kids dirt pies and dirty sock soup, because today the Brangeloonies are going to scratch at Melissa so she doesn’t have to. When St. Angie Jolie wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, many called her brave and a chapter devoted to all her acts of sainthood were added to the Bible. But Melissa Etheridge is not one of those people who think that St. Angie was brave. Melissa’s ass thinks the opposite.

Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and she went through a whole lot of chemotherapy. Since Melissa is a breast cancer survivor, The Washington Blade (via UsWeekly) asked her what she thinks of St. Angie’s decision. Here’s what Dr. Melissa Etheridge said:

I have to say I feel a little differently. I have that gene mutation too and it’s not something I would believe in for myself. I wouldn’t call it the brave choice. I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not. Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer so I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels. I’ve been cancer free for nine years now and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer. There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.

This sort of reminds me when I got hit by a bike at the beach and as I’m lying on the ground with my side split open, crying in pain, some stranger lady said to me, “Just think soothing thoughts. Think of swimming in the ocean.” The only thought I was thinking to myself was, bitch, how can I think of rainbows and dolphins and mermaids when my body is split open. Give me some damn morphine and then I’ll quit crying to tell you a colorful and magical tale about Ariel and her sea creature friends and shit.

If only St. Angie talked to Melissa before she went through that surgery. Then she would’ve found out that all she had to do was eat some lentils, squeeze a stress ball and take a few Calgon baths. So now you tell us, Melissa!

And if it wasn’t for that whole “out and proud lesbian thing,” Scientology would totally embrace Melissa and make her their High Priestess of Medicine.