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Archives: June 2013
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What In Marie Antwatnette Hell?
So this is what it would look like if the Fairy Godmother got drunk on fermented apples, got high on pixie dust and accidentally turned a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin into a royal skank instead of turning it into a carriage.
A knocked up Katie Price got sprayed down with bright orange car paint, put on one of Prince Poppycock’s rejected ensembles and threw the carcasses of a dozen Poochie dolls on her head to pose with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler at the launch of her latest literary masterpiece, which will obviously be studied in depth by lit majors at Cambridge. Since Katie’s latest soon-to-be Booker Prize winner is a romance novel, her stripper husband dressed up like a prince complete with a frog mask (it’s weird that he never took it off, right?) and she did herself up like a fried Cheeto covered in cotton candy . The people at the event whose retinas weren’t burnt off by the UV rays shooting off of Katie’s skin were stunned by the classiness and exquisiteness of it all.
In other Katie Price news, she recently got kicked out of a tanning salon because they wouldn’t let her expose her unborn fetus to the UV rays. Katie told the BBC that the salon was obviously just using her name to get some free publicity and there’s nothing wrong with charbroiling your fetus.
“I think there was a tanning shop opening down the road, so she probably wanted press for her one. You can go on sunbeds when you’re pregnant. It’s ridiculous. Look how brown I am. I’ve have just been on holiday. Is the sun bad for you? But anyway, whatever anyone says, it’s my life and I do what I like.”
Katie Price is one hundred percent correct. Her baby will be fine. I’m pretty sure Tan Mom’s mom conceived her in a tanning bed, birthed her in a tanning bed and used a tanning bed as her crib and she turned out fine! Besides, Katie Price does not want to give birth to a pasty white thing so she might as well tan her fetus while it’s lounging in there. Fetuses need something to do.
Site Update Presented To You By James Haven
After being closed for CENTURIES (read: about a week), the doors to the comment section are finally opening up again tomorrow. It feels like I’ve been yelling at an empty big white box for the past week, which I kind of have. There’s going to be one big change, though. (This is the part where I down three shots of rubbing alcohol with a splash of gin.) The comments are moving to Disqus and mostly because it has the word DIQ in it.
When I first brought up the idea of moving to Disqus last week, some readers emailed me and said “YAAAAASSS!” to that shit and some readers emailed me and said “NOOOOOOO!” to that shit. I’ve been playing with Disqus on both ends (the commenter side and the moderator side, and yes, that’s the first time in years I’ve played with anything on both ends) for a few weeks, because a lot of people told me I should consider moving to it. After playing with it on both ends (yes, I wanted a reason to type that a second time), I felt it was the best thing for the site. So we’re going to try it and see how it goes. The comments from the old site will be lubed up and shoved into Disqus, but logins won’t. I figured that some of you might want to register with a different email address or post anonymously, so the logins won’t be moved over. With Disqus, you can either register for a Disqus account, post as a guest or if you really want your friends and loved ones to know your feelings about the Kartrashians, you can use your Facebook, Twitter or Google+ account.
As for other site stuff, we’re still fixing a few glitches and tweaking here and there (“Me too!” – Amanda Bynes). Remind to never move again. Thanks for the emails and thanks to the boxed wine at Target and my weed dispensary for being there for a bitch.
And you probably didn’t read any of that since you were getting lost in James Haven’s puckering anus lips. Here’s James Haven keeping the skull cap alive while puckering next to Jon Voight and a lady guest at last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z.
Afternoon Crumbs
Kristen Stewart went to Hooters in Texas and actually smiled naturally and I’m guessing it has a lot to do with her being surrounded by chichis – Popsugar
Katy Perry says something no one should ever say out loud: “I’m madly in love with John Mayer” – Lainey Gossip
Two things: 1) I can’t wait to hear 12 hip hop songs of Amanda Bynes singing about how ugly everybody is and; 2) Wearing your wig in the Jacuzzi is never a good idea, but I’m okay with Amanda doing it, because at least her wig got sanitized – The Superficial
And 12 minutes later, the coroner came in to dispose of the hos that Russell Brand destroyed – Towleroad
Eddie Murphy’s newest piece is still in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna
Jessica Lee should write everybody’s yearbook quote from now on – Drunken Stepfather
The first picture is basically me in 35 years at the old sluts retirement home and I can’t wait – The Berry
Brooke Mueller has quit rehab and that isn’t the first time I’ve written those words and it probably won’t be the last – ICYDK
Eva Longoria looks like a slutty esthetician from the future – Popoholic
Please let there be a Wife Swap with Ivanka Trump and Katie Holmes – Celebitchy
Russell Brand is really, really smooth – IDLYITW
White Oprah better step it up, because Backdoor Farrah somehow found a way to be more delusional than her – Reality Tea
Panty Creamer of the Day: TILDA!!!!! – Just Jared
Charlie Sheen is trying to fire Selma Blair - I’m Not Obsessed
In case you really want to know how Serena Williams feels about the Steubenville rape case – Jezebel
THANK GOD Lindsay Lohan is at a rehab place that allows staged photo-ops – HuffPo
Nick Cannon’s got his very own Hammaconda – SOW
That bristle brush headpiece still looks better than Amanda Bynes’ wig – SOW
“YAAAASSS!” said my 8-year-old self – Videogum
Grab RiRi And Get Bopped In The Head With Her Mic
WARNING: If you plan on going to a RiRi show, you should know that you will get a headache from listening to her live goat yodel voice and you may get a concussion when she clocks in the head with her mic.
During one of her shows, RiRi was singing in the audience when a bold ass fan decided it was a good idea to grab and pull her toward them. RiRi reacted by clocking that trick in the head with her mic and the sound of that BOOM is the reason why I’m cackling today. It could’ve been worse, though. RiRi could’ve knocked that trick’s head off by headbutting them with her infinity head. And RiRi and Miguel should really get together to co-headline The Concussion World Tour.
And I think I’m also suffering from a head injury from leaning my head over to watch all 14 seconds of that damn video.
This Definitely Needs More Prancing Camel Toe
The good news is that Joanna Rohrback, the be-wigged prancing swan, is back and is prancing her way into our hearts again. The shitty news is that she’s using her graceful prancing moves in the lyric video for John Mayer’s new single “Paper Doll” which is supposedly about Taylor of Green Gables. The shittier news is that Joanna must’ve put three industrial-strength Cuchinis on her crotch, because I’ve practically pressed my eyeballs against the screen and I still can’t make out her prancing camel toe. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, because today I learned that Joanna can gracefully prance like a flying unicorn galloping against the clouds without showing her camel toe. I really thought her prancing powers were activated by her camel toe. I don’t know this world anymore.
Anyway, when Taylor Swift put out a song that made it sound like John Mayer did her on her pirate princess bed and was out the door before she could even wipe up the cum puddle on her stomach with a strawberry-scented cum rag, he said that it made him “sad” and he didn’t deserve that. Well, I guess John’s still sad, because his new song “Paper Doll” is totally about Taylor Swift’s ass. Jezebel transcribed the lyrics for John Mayer’s soft blues diss track:
Paper doll, come try it on
Step out of that black chiffon
Here’s a dress of gold and blue
Sure was fun being good to youThis one we made just for Fall
And Winter runs a bit too small
This mint green is new for Spring
My love didn’t cost a thingYou’re like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they’re runnin’ from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper dollFold a scarf, Moroccan red
And tie your hair behind your head
Strap into some heels that hurt
You should’ve kept my undershirtCut the cord and pull some strings
And make yourself some angel wings
And if those angel wings don’t fly
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky
So what I’m getting from that is that John humped it and dumped it and that Taylor is a flimsy, delicate, one dimensional doll who really needs to get over it. Taylor Swift is probably in the studio right now yodeling out a response to John Mayer’s diss trick and then he’s going to go back into the studio and sing out a response to her response. They’re going to keep going back and forth and it’s our ears who are paying the price. Our ears are in the middle. Can’t they just shank each other in a back alley and get it over with?
But John does get an extra point for bringing Prancercise into it.
Brad Pitt’s Going To Talk To Melissa Etheridge About That Whole “St. Angie Isn’t Brave” Thing
Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.
At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:
“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”
Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.
And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.
Nigella Lawson’s Husband Gets A Gentle Slap On The Wrist For Attacking Her
Nigella Lawson’s 70-year-old millionaire husband Charles Saatchi has backed away from that whole “Oh, we were just playing a little game of “I choke you out and you look terrified as shit’” claim and has accepted a warning from the police for strangling her during a fight on the patio of their favorite restaurant in London last week.
The London Evening Standard says that Choke You Out Charlie went to the police station and talked with investigators for four hours, but only because he wanted to get the whole situation behind him so he can get back to putting his hands on Nigella’s mouth and neck when his ears don’t like the words that she’s saying. Even though Nigella never filed a report, Charles says he took the blame and sashayed away with nothing but a small slap on the nalgas. Charles strangling Nigella was more intense than the slap the police gave him. Charles said this about the whole thing:
“Although Nigella made no complaint I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.”
Nigella hasn’t said anything about this, but her rep said that she and her chirruns left their house. The rep didn’t say if it was temporary or permanent.
A caution? That’s like a soft slap on the hand followed by a boo boo kiss. Sometimes the police are funny. This is why abuelitas should run the police force in every city in every country. An abuelita’s idea of a warning is the down-eye of doom she throws as she pulls her chancelta off of her foot.
Blasphemy = Kanye West’s American Psycho Short Movie
Kanye Kardashian (née West) queefed out this American Psycho short shit show to promote Yeezus and I’ve never been attacked with a chainsaw by Patrick Bateman while a starving rat ate cheese out of my culito, but I have a feeling that’s less painful than watching this wretched turd. Everybody (including my dumb ass) who said that Scott Isadick needs to play Patrick Bateman in some form needs to slap themselves with a Huey Lewis CD for putting that idea into the universe, because now that nightmare has come true. Scott’s acting is so damn awful that he makes the “walrus coming out of a long coma” moans that Kim Kartrashian makes in her sex tape seem like they came from an actual human who feels real human emotions. Yes, Scott brutally murders Jonathan Cheban (aka the troll that Khloe Kardashian found hiding in a tree hole while she was out hunting for deer one night), but even that can’t save this mess.
Scott’s voice gets so high at the end that it sounds like Pimp Mama Kris is grabbing his nutsack with her demon claw and slowing pulling it out by the root. He sounds like Mickey Mouse getting castrated. And yes, a castrated Mickey Mouse would make a better Patrick Bateman than Scott Disick.
via HuffPo
Today’s Dose Of Demure Elegance Provided By Mimi
At any time of day, on any day of the week, you can close your eyes and know that somewhere in the world Mimi is running around all horny-like with her Hello Titty balls out. Every ho should take comfort in that.
Yesterday, the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of the Lambs Instagrammed pictures of her shooting a video in Italy in with brain damage inducer Miguel. And it isn’t a Mimi video unless she’s wearing something that makes it easy for her Wuzzle nipples to pop out at any second. That monokini looks like it was made using scraps from the old Slut Dress (NEVAH 4GET) and metal triangle protractors. That giant black arrow pointing to her butterfly cave is really what takes this look to the upper echelons of elegance.
And in other Mimi news, Troll Dupri tweeted that her next album is coming out on July 23rd and she’s calling it The Art Of Letting Go. TOO EASY.
