Archives: June 2013

Jessica Simpson Birthed Out A Boy And Named Him Ace Knute

June 30, 2013 / Posted by:

The last time a baby was in Jessica Simpson’s womb, it was in there for approximately 2,000 Wendy Davis Filibusters (aka 36 months), so I thought she still had at least 6 months to go before popping out her second one. But I guess, her second kid decided to speed shit up , because at a hospital in L.A. this morning, he rode a wave of amniotic fluid out of Jessica’s vagine. Jessica’s rep tells UsWeekly that her and Eric Johnson decided to name their son and Maxwell Johnson’s little brother ACE KNUTE JOHNSON. My feelings about that name are best expressed through this picture of the late and great Knut the Polar Bear:

knutpolarbearjessicasimpson

 

Actually, Jessica’s rep says that the name Knute is pronounced “ka-nute.” Jessica and Eric went with the name Knute because that’s his Swedish grandfather’s first name. Still. I KA-NUTE with the name Ace Knute Johnson. When Jessica said that she was naming her kid “Ace Johnson,” I slow clapped for her since Ace Johnson is a bro way of saying “Champion Penis.” But then she just had to throw KNUTE in there. According to this website, Knute is of Scandinavian origin and it means “knot.” So Jessica and Eric named their son Champion Knot Penis. He’s totally going to be the star of the Puppetry of the Penis reboot in 20 years.

And I’m sure that as soon as Ace Knute moved out, a new fetus moved in. I mean, it’s either put a baby in her body or fulfill the rest of her Weight Watchers contract. Buttered Pop Tarts for everyone!

 

JLo Is Sorry For Performing For The Leader Of Turkmenistan

June 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Above is a clip of JLo performing for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of “one of the world’s most repressive countries,” at his extra fancy birthday party in Avaza, Turkmenistan last night. As expected, human rights groups and Mia Farrow are throwing shit at JLo for getting paid at least $1 million to perform for the dictator of a country with a shitty human rights record. Facebook, Twitter, most of the Internet and being openly gay is illegal in Turkmenistan and journalists have been psychically and mentally  tortured in the country’s prisons. The president of the Human Rights Foundation shook his head at JLo and asked if she’s going to perform in Syria next.

“Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies, but her actions utterly destroy the carefully-crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International’s programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women,” said Human Rights Foundation (HRF) president Thor Halvorssen. “What is the next stop on her tour, Syria? The dictator of Kazakhstan’s birthday is July 6, maybe she will also pay him a visit?” Halvorssen asked.

Freedom House ranks the Berdymukhamedov dictatorship as one of the nine “worst of the worst”; Transparency international ranks it as a bottom-seven country in their Corruption Perception Index; Reporters Without Borders classifies him as a “predator of press freedom” and ranks Turkmenistan as the world’s third-worst place for journalists, between Syria, North Korea, and Eritrea; HRF considers it one of the world’s most totalitarian regimes. Berdymukhamedov was re-elected with 97% of the vote in 2012. The vote was so obviously fraudulent that the OSCE declined to even send observers.

Cut to JLo calling up the dictator of Kazakhstan to tell him that there’s too much heat on her right now and she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” at his birthday celebration next month, but can she keep the pile of blood stained money he gave her?

JLo’s spokeswhore played the dumb bitch role and said that JLo and nobody in her team knew about Turkmenistan’s human rights record. If they did know, she would’ve never performed there.

“Had there been knowledge of human rights issues any kind, Jennifer would not have attended.”

JLo’s spokeswhore didn’t say if she was planning to donate the money she made.

Ho, please. Like Casper Smart didn’t know something in the milk wasn’t clean when he Googled “best glory holes in Turkmenistan” and nothing came up? Are we really supposed to believe that none of JLo’s people know how to use Google? (Actually, I believe that). JLo would perform at Paula Deen’s slave-themed party if she was paid enough, so she obviously knew. And bitch knew that if she was called out on it, she’d pull some “Huh?! Wha? I thought Turkmenistan was Turkey’s full name! I had no idea!” shit. Well, I guess nothing will make you forget that you’re performing for an evil dictator like millions of dollars.

Brooke Hogan Got Engaged

June 30, 2013 / Posted by:

And in a surprise twist, it wasn’t Hulk Hogan who proposed to Brooke.

Potent classiness is probably dripping down your screen right now and it’s because that picture of a dude in an American t-shirt proposing to Brooke Hogan (who is keeping it exquisite in a white cutout dress and flip flops) in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas is several layers of elegant. Add Brooke Hogan’s name to the long list of hos who got engaged at the Bellagio. (Seriously, EVERYBODY gets engaged in front of the Bellagio’s squirt show.)

25-year-old Brooke Instagrammed (via UsWeekly) totally natural and not-at-all staged pictures of her 25-year-old boyfriend, Phil Costa of the Dallas Cowboys, slipping a ring on her finger in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas last night. As Hulk Hogan loudly weeped into his bandana over his little girl marrying someone other than him, Brooke wrote this:

“Happiest moment of my LIFE. I am marrying my best friend. I wouldn’t choose anyone else. I am so lucky and grateful.”

Never mind that Michele Bachmann is screaming, “See what happens when you legalize gay marriage, libtards!”, I can’t wait to see the white denim and lace chaps that honorary gay man Brooke will wear on her wedding day.

Pics: Instagram

Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 30, 2013 / Posted by:

The immaculately crafted silicone tittyplate that Agnes Bruckner wore to play Anna Nicole in Lifetime’s Anna Nicole Smith biopic.

Lifetime’s Anna Nicole movie, which aired last night, failed me for several reasons. Honey Boo Boo did not play a young Vickie Lynn (missed opportunity!), Bobby Trendy did not make a cameo (it didn’t feel the same without Bobby Trendy’s MAC Glass-covered lips smearing my TV screen), Cousin Shelly and/or Cousin Shelly’s new teefs weren’t in it and neither was Kimmie (Droopy Dog Vicki’s daughter from Real Housewives of Orange County was BORN to play Kimmie). But there was a 10-second-long appearance from Sugar Pie and it featured the greatest performance from a piece of plastic in a basic cable mess since Lindsay Lohan’s lips in Liz & Dick.

During most Anna Nicole, Agnes Bruckner wears a silicone breastplate that steals every scene it’s in. If you painted faces on that breastplate, it would look like the poster for Coneheads. They looked like two bags made of rubber filled with concrete and they didn’t move once. Besides Agnes Bruckner (who was actually kind of good even though her accent dropped in and out), Cary Elwes as E. Prick and the wig on the dude who played Larry Birkhead, the silicone breastplate was the star of that mess!

Because those silicone chichis looked like they were molded by Michelangelo himself, I’m going to assume they came from BoobsForQueens.com (that’s BoobsForQueens.com). BoobsForQueens should really get an Emmy for their work.

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Birthday Sluts

June 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Willam (31)
Allegra Versace (27)
Michael Phelps (28)
Fantasia (29)
Cheryl Cole (30)
Patrick Wolf (30)
Lizzy Caplan (31)
Monica Potter (42)
Phil Anselmo (45)
Peter Outerbridge (47)
Mike Tyson (47)
Vincent D’Onofrio (54)
David Alan Grier (58)
David Garrison (61)
Leonard Whiting (63)
Nancy Dussault (77)

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Open Post: Hosted By Brawling Drag Queens

June 29, 2013 / Posted by:

And this is what it would look like if WWE Studios produced RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Fake eyelashes went flying and tucks game undone at the Miss Gay San Juan pageant in Peru when the judges announced the wrong winner. Sky News says that the runner-up went after the newly-crowned Miss Gay San Juan after she found out she was the true winner. The judges are the ones who should’ve gotten their asses whooped. Everybody knows that you should never ever try to take the crown off of a drag queen’s head. That’s the quickest way to getting an acrylic nail embedded into your cheek.

And really, the runner-up did it all wrong. You don’t attack a ho. Why ruin your nails and fuck up a good dress? Did she not learn anything from one of the most legendary wig snatching moves of all time? A true lady gets the crown that’s rightfully hers by doing this:

That’s how you snatch the crown while keeping it one hundred percent glamorous.

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One Step Closer To The Apocalypse: Chad Kroeger And Avril Lavigne Got Married (UPDATE: No, They Didn’t…Yet)

June 29, 2013 / Posted by:

 

UPDATE: The unholy union of suck isn’t legal…yet. UsWeekly says that Avril and Chad’s “wedding party” was last night. Their actual wedding is tomorrow July 1st. What a magical Canada Day miracle!

Lucifer showed that he is real and has a real fucked up sense of humor today when the official unholy union of suck that is Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne became husband and wife in the South of France today. Yeah, this is why the sky is filled with black clouds, the ground is covered with dead birds and I’m burning my toes off every time I step outside. I’m burning my toes off because it’s at least 6,000 degrees in L.A. and that’s because the flames of the underworld are burning high while Lucifer’s minions celebrate this dark-sidedness.

When Chad and Avril got engaged last year, I figured it was just some viral marketing stunt produced by the Mayans and it was their way of reminding us that the world really is ending on December 21, 2012. When the world didn’t end, I figured Chad and Avril would quietly break up and our international nightmare would be over. But nope, UsWeekly says that Chad and Avril really did get married in an “intimate” (translation: nobody wanted to come) wedding in Cannes. Avril wore a gown by Johanna Johnson and her gay best friend was her maid of honor. Now I know that’s a lie. Avril obviously wore a custom-made fishnet and black latex gown by Hot Topic and her maid of honor was Emily the Strange. Chad wore a tuxedo by Affliction and a jar of AXE hair putty was his best man.

This is the first marriage for 38-year-old Chad and the second for Avril’s 28-year-old ass.

Well, the good news is that since it’s a long weekend in Canada, Canadians have an extra day to celebrate the marriage of their royal couple. And by celebrate, I mean laugh uncontrollably to keep from crying. All hail the Canadian Prince William and Duchess Kate!

JLo Shook Her Ass For The Leader Of One Of The World’s Most Repressive Countries

June 29, 2013 / Posted by:

JLo became Jenny from the Eastern Bloc tonight when she popped her pussy and lip-synched for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of Turkmenistan, at his 56th birthday celebration. Turkmenistan has been called one of the most repressed regimnes in the world by Human Rights Watch. I know, haven’t the people of Turkmenistan been through enough?!

AFP says that JLo and her dancers performed for Berdymukhamedov at a $2 billion Caspian Sea resort. JLo is apparently the first major Western star to perform in the country which is known for its “vast gas reserves and a dismal human rights record.” Reporters Without Borders considers Turkmenistan one of the 10 most censored countries in the world. Reporters are regularly thrown in jail and Internet use is seriously regulated by the government. Can you imagine not being able to access PornHub? That is a serious SERIOUS human rights violation.

Showbiz411 says that JLo was paid at least $1 million plus expenses. Ministers, ambassadors and CEOs all watched JLo shake her quadruple layer ass and move her lips to a track as shirtless dudes dancers around her. JLo put on a traditional Turkmen dress to sing “Happy Birthday” to the president. If JLo sang “Happy Birthday” live, then expect her to be jailed for life for trying to assassinate the president with her soul-killing natural singing voice.

JLo was in the cinematic human rights violation called Gigli, so this isn’t surprising. I just want to know who won when JLo screamed at President Birdyhandmeadove because her dressing room wasn’t painted the right shade of white and didn’t have at least 12 lit Jo Malone candles in it. If you see on CNN that the president of Turkmenistan threw himself into the Caspian Sea after tearing his own ears off, you now know why.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

June 29, 2013 / Posted by:

Yes, that was an original 90210 star you heard in the bathroom having sex very loudly the other night with someone who is not their significant other. Very loudly. Did I mention it was loud? (CDAN)

It wasn’t Jennie Garth, because I figure her for the prude-ish type who won’t even put her bare hands on a public bathroom faucet let alone take her chonies off in a stall. It wasn’t Shannen Doherty, because I didn’t see anything on the news recently about dozens of people who temporarily went deaf from listening to the powerful and beautiful sounds of a dark angel orgasming. It wasn’t Tori Spelling, because a Sleestak’s mating moans sounds nothing like a human’s mating moans. I’ll throw out Luke Perry and Jason Priestly too.

So I’ll guess it was either Ian Ziering, Brian Austin Green or Gabrielle Carteris? I’ll go with Gabrielle Carteris, because you know she’s a down low freak.

This comedic actor might want to think twice about how he expresses himself when it comes to imitating people. He was out to dinner with a group of friends when the discussion turned to the Trayvon Martin/ George Zimmerman trial.

The actor – who may have had a drink or two – loudly referred to one of the witnesses as “precious”, called her “retarded”, and then proceeded to do an impromptu routine as the witness. He used a variety of exaggerated hand and facial gestures to imitate the witness’ performance on the stand.

While he known as a comedic actor, not all of the patrons in the restaurant were amused by his routine. (Blind Gossip)

You really can’t take Michael Richards anywhere! Or maybe this is Tyler Perry’s foolish ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tyler Perry is begging Lifetime to let him play her in the Travyton Martin biopic that they’re obviously going to make.

This great looking B-/C+ list mostly television actor who missed his shot at a move to the A list when his network show was canceled last year has no idea that his B+ list model/actress wife has been stepping out with this A list celebrity who is known for being really skinny and formerly married to an A list diva. (CDAN)

My brain isn’t farting out any guesses for the TV actor and wife, but the skinny A-lister is obviously Marc Anthony. Skeletor’s supposedly Panthor-sized dick really brings in the ladies.

This trainwreck of a celebrity has been telling people that she is now pregnant. She somehow managed to do this while in rehab. Not sure if this is a ploy on her part, or if she is actually pregnant. (CDAN)

I don’t know what would make the heads of every CPS social worker blow off faster: a knocked up LiLo or a knocked up Brooke Mueller?

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Presenting The Skarsgård Family Portrait (Sans Stellan)

June 29, 2013 / Posted by:

Every family portrait should have a drunk, hot and topless ASkars in it.

Here’s everybody who was made using Stellan Skarsgård’s viking sperm. From left to right: the tall drink of 36-year-old Swedish leche that is ASkars, 31-year-old Sam (who’s a doctor), 32-year-old Gustaf (who’s in the Vikings), 21-year-old Eija (who’s a club promoter), 17-year-old Valter and 22-year-old Bill from Hemlock Grove. The two chirruns are from Stellan’s current marriage and I’m sure one will star in the 2033 reboot of True Blood and the other will star in the 2033 reboot of Vikings.

This portrait would be ten hundred percent better without the children and without tops on all the adults. THAT FAMILY. The hotness is strong in almost all of them. Stellan’s dick should make all of the people from now on. ASkars, I’d hit it. Sam, I’d hit it. Gustaf, I’d hit it. Bill, I’d hit it. Eija? Hell, I’d even let her stick the tip in.

Source: Instagram via ONTD

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