Melissa Etheridge Doesn’t Think St. Angie’s Double Mastectomy Was Very Brave

Tammy Lynn Michaels can take a break from writing haikus about how Melissa Etheridge has left her so poor that she has to feed her kids dirt pies and dirty sock soup, because today the Brangeloonies are going to scratch at Melissa so she doesn’t have to. When St. Angie Jolie wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, many called her brave and a chapter devoted to all her acts of sainthood were added to the Bible. But Melissa Etheridge is not one of those people who think that St. Angie was brave. Melissa’s ass thinks the opposite.

Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and she went through a whole lot of chemotherapy. Since Melissa is a breast cancer survivor, The Washington Blade (via UsWeekly) asked her what she thinks of St. Angie’s decision. Here’s what Dr. Melissa Etheridge said:

I have to say I feel a little differently. I have that gene mutation too and it’s not something I would believe in for myself. I wouldn’t call it the brave choice. I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not. Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer so I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels. I’ve been cancer free for nine years now and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer. There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.

This sort of reminds me when I got hit by a bike at the beach and as I’m lying on the ground with my side split open, crying in pain, some stranger lady said to me, “Just think soothing thoughts. Think of swimming in the ocean.” The only thought I was thinking to myself was, bitch, how can I think of rainbows and dolphins and mermaids when my body is split open. Give me some damn morphine and then I’ll quit crying to tell you a colorful and magical tale about Ariel and her sea creature friends and shit.

If only St. Angie talked to Melissa before she went through that surgery. Then she would’ve found out that all she had to do was eat some lentils, squeeze a stress ball and take a few Calgon baths. So now you tell us, Melissa!

And if it wasn’t for that whole “out and proud lesbian thing,” Scientology would totally embrace Melissa and make her their High Priestess of Medicine.

Afternoon Crumbs

Goopy Paltrow’s organic, conflict-free, grass-fed nipples made an appearance the other night – Lainey Gossip

JINX MONSOON GOT ROBBED! – Towleroad

Christie Brinkley’s chichis make the most out of a fug dress that looks like floral vomit – Hollywood Tuna

I don’t know if Everly Tatum is sleeping, thinking of breastfeeding on Channing Tatum’s tit or trying to figure out why her daddy is wearing a hoodie he got at that Tijuana border – Celebitchy

Paris Jackson has wonderful taste – The Superficial

“Cameron, can you please move about 45 steps to your left. You’re blocking Kate’s chichis” is probably the most used line on the set of The Other Woman – Drunken Stepfather

You know blind items have ruined you when you see a picture of Giada De Laurentiis and all you can think about is how she’s supposedly the blow job queen – Popoholic

Madame the Puppet looks WHORENDOUS! – Reality Tea

It’s nice to know that you can still get a pedicure in Mordor – ICYDK

Jay-Z tries to out-Kanye Kanye – IDLYITW

Pimp Mama Kris totally hacked into Beyonce’s site and wrote that message. Get the Internetz police on this! – HuffPo

Joe ManJell-O should really look into opening up a topless refrigerator moving service – Just Jared

Justin Bieber will take one of everything - OMG Blog

In case you wanted to know what Liberace’s peen was like…. – SOW

In other words, Amanda Bynes thinks everybody but Amanda Bynes is ugly – Jezebel

Tommy Girl is topless, wet and handling a pole – Popsugar

So this is what happened to Sonny Malone from Xanadu – Videogum

Tyra Banks might have a new piece – I’m Not Obsessed

Jason Statham’s side-eye says everything that needs to be said about Rosie Huntington-Whateverly’s dress – Moe Jackson

This Dude Is Serious About Not Having Cheese On His Burger

Nothing good comes from a person going up to a fast food drive-thru window when they’re not in a car. Case in point: this dude got out of his SUV to rage at a Wendy’s employee for putting cheese on his hamburger. That crazy Dunkin’ Donuts bitch just fell in love.

This isn’t the first, second or third time that Wendy’s dropped a piece of cheese on his beef. This is the fourth time and this dude is ready to go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on their asses. He is losing his shit over this! (A little tip for that dude: If he ate that cheese, he wouldn’t lose his shit right away.)

What I don’t understand is, if that Wendy’s keeps putting cheese on his hamburger why does he keep going to that Wendy’s? Every time he goes, he must know that they’re going to ruin his life by turning his hamburger into a cheeseburger. I bet he secretly loves it. He loves the cheese, but he doesn’t want to admit it. Every time he leaves that drive-thru, he pulls off the wrapper, slowly takes off the bun and when he sees that cheese lying on that patty of beef, he smiles for a second before he loses his mind. He loves to hate the cheese he loves. But really, he should just give into the cheese. They’re obviously meant to be together and he should stop fighting it.

And I bet the next time he goes to that Wendy’s and orders a hamburger, they’re going to give him a stack of cheese between two buns just to screw with him. Those sons of bitches.

via Gawker

Just A Natural Reaction To Being That Close To Prince Hot Ginge

I always knew that on the inside I’m a just young British girl in a shiny purple puffy coat, leggings and Burberry rain boots.

During a charity polo game at The Beaufort Polo Club in Gloucestershire, England, Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge strutted through the field when one of his devoted disciples took a picture of him and then gave birth to a huge ball of excitement right there on the grass. I said in the headline that this is just a natural reaction, but this is actually a pretty subdued reaction to being that close to PHG’s royal bag of treasures. I would’ve prolapsed and dragged my innards across the grass to get PHG to autograph my nipple plate and most hos would’ve been tripping over the ovaries falling out of their snatch to get to him.

So yeah, this girl totally played it cool.

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Pics: Splash

Henry Cavill Working Out Shirtless In A Commercial For The National Guard

The easiest way to get me to watch a commercial for The National Guard is to put a sweaty, topless Henry Cavill in it and make him pull heavy things and shit. Panty pudding runs down the streets today and it’s all because of this video of Superman lifting weights and showing us what he did to get his body buff ready for Buns Man of Steel. Henry talks about how it’s all journey and this and that, and the only thing I have to say is: LESS TALK! MORE NIPPLES!

This recruit video is totally doing its job, because it’s even making me want to sign up for The National Guard. But I’ll only sign up if they’ll assign me a position as Henry’s weights or I can lounge in the wheelbarrow eating Hot Fries while watching his sweaty bare back as he pulls me around. Yeah, I want that job.

via Towleroad

Jon Gosselin Killed Ed Hardy

Don Ed Hardy, the tattoo artist whose work inspired the official clothing line for douchebags Ed Hardy, tells The New York Post that he cried tears of sadness over the Ed Hardy brand drowning in a pool of dirty douche water and he blames it on Jon Gosselin. Ed Hardy also puts blame on Christian Audigier who was the head of Von Dutch (enough said) and licensed Ed Hardy’s art for t-shirts and butt plugs. Ed Hardy says that Christian was a major star fucker with zero standards and would throw an Ed Hardy t-shirt on any  fame whore. Ed Hardy said that the final studded nail in the coffin was a picture of Jon partying in an Ed Hardy shirt on Christian’s yacht in Cannes.

“That Jon Gosselin thing was the nail in the coffin. That’s what tanked it. Macy’s used to have a huge window display with Ed Hardy, and it filtered down and that’s why Macy’s dropped the brand.

Christian worships celebrities so much, he will get next to anyone who is famous for anything. If he could have gotten Charles Manson in a shirt, he would have.”

The Gosselins should be blamed for EVERYTHING (examples: inspiring OctoMom, torturing possums, etc…), but Jon Gosselin isn’t the reason why Ed Hardy is now lying in a shallow grave in the clearance section at Ross. Ed Hardy died when even doucheholes realized that they didn’t have to spend $100 on an Ed Hardy t-shirt. They figured out that they could get the same effect by writing the word DOUCHE in diarrhea on an old Hanes t-shirt.

Ed Hardy isn’t completely dead, though. A few years ago, MTV took 8 cum-stained Ed Hardy t-shirts, poured diseased Jacuzzi water on them and out came the cast of Jersey Shore! So Ed Hardy lives on! And Ed Hardy is also alive and well in L.A., because not a week goes by when I don’t see a chick in an Ed Hardy dress and platform flip-flops at the car wash. She’s the one asking if they have mojito-scented air freshener.

Oh, Charles Saatchi Was Just Being “Playful” When He Choked Nigella Lawson

Nigella Lawson’s art mogul husband Charles Saatchi finally had something to say about those pictures of him strangling her on the patio of a restaurant in London. After pictures of Charles choking Nigella out were published in the Sunday People over the weekend, Scotland Yard said they were putting their magnifying glasses up to the situation and were deciding whether or not they need to open up an investigation. But Charles says that there’s no need for that, because it was only just a “playful tiff” and that he was only holding her neck like that to “emphasize a point.” It’s a little technique Charles learned at Chris Brown’s School of Point Making.

Charles tells The London Evening Standard that the pictures look disturbing as all hell, but it’s not as bad as it looks. Witnesses say that Charles was yelling at Nigella and she looked in pain when he was choking her out, but he says that she wasn’t hurt and  it wasn’t that serious. Motherfucker, say what?

“About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella’s neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasise my point.

There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place. Nigella’s tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt.

We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled.”

I wish that asshole didn’t say “playful tiff.” Because “PlayfulTiff80” was the AOL screen name of my 8th grade rival.

What in the hell kind of point was Charles trying to make? Was his point that he can easily choke the life out of Nigella when he doesn’t like the words that are coming out of her mouth? Point taken! Does that mean that Nigella can make a point by laying a steak knife on his soft dick? Or should she just shove a fork up his ass? Yeah, that’s more subtle. “Oh, officer, I wasn’t being violent. I was ONLY shoving a fork up his ass to make a point. I was only bolding my words.”

The Wolf Of Wall Street Trailer Is Here

If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Great Gatsby’s personality and Wall Street’s internal organs were shoved into American Psycho’s body, here’s your answer. Above is the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street which stars his muse Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Jonah Hill, The Texas T-Rex, Kyle Chandler, Joanna Lumley and the Victoria’s Secret model version of Emma Stone known as Margot Robbie. The Wolf of Wall Street is about some Wall Street type who… Oh, who gives a shit. The only thing that matters is that this trailer has midget tossing, a monkey in roller skates, a flying lobster, The Texas T-Rex playing the chest drums and THIS:

Leo is popping and locking for that Oscar. And if they really want an Oscar, they’ll submit this shit in the documentary category, because this is basically Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s life set in the 90s.

We Really Do Need To Create Education Better

Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 is still the reigning queen of WTF answers, but Miss Utah, Marissa Powell, tried to come for her crown at last night’s Miss USA pageant in Las Vegas. During the Q&A part of the finals, judge NeNe Leakes asked Miss Utah this question:

“A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?”

If I was on stage in front of thousands of people, knew that millions more eyeballs were watching me on TV and had thirty layers of paint on my face and six layers of clay on my eyebrows, I wouldn’t be able to spit out any words since it would be impossible with barf coming out of my mouth and the nervous shits coming out of my ass. So Miss Utah gave a better answer than I would’ve given, but then again, ho trained years for this shit . I’ve gotten spam emails from Russian beauties that were more coherent than Miss Utah’s answer. Miss Utah said (via Deadspin):

“I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create education better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

NAILED IT! You can practically see her brain break in two during that pause. If you stare at her eyes, you can see the error 500 error in her pupils. I bet Ryan Lochte’s her coach.

But whatever, even though Miss Utah gave the dumbest answer of the night, she still won because her eyebrow situation was like no other and she can easily work as an Alyssa Edwards impersonator. I hope Miss Utah uses her eyebrow situation knowledge to create brow education better.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s pageant including pictures of Miss Connecticut who won.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

Danushka Lysek, the bitchy model turned private chef with the monotone voice from Food Network Star.

The ninth season (NINTH!) of Food Network Star started a few weeks ago and no, that shit isn’t the same without the Silver Fox of the Food Network Bob Tuschman on the judging panel. One of my friends said a while ago that Bob Tuschman gives him undercover leather daddy vibes. So every time I’d watch Food Network Star, I’d get a full-body tingle thinking about Bob wearing a leather harness and nipple clamps underneath his sensible and casual suit from Men’s Warehouse. So it’s not the same without him and the one of the only reasons I’m watching this season is for DANUSHKA!

Everybody hates Danushka. The audience hates her. The contestants hate her. Most people would rather give cunnilingus to a garbage disposal while getting butt boned by a hand blender than watch a Food Network show starring Danushka. Danushka pretty much made it clear from episode one that she’s the greatest at everything. She’s the greatest cook, the greatest model, the greatest presenter, the greatest human, the greatest gift to us all, blah blah blah… But must hos says that the only thing Danushka is the greatest at is killing nerves with her monotone voice.

Kristen Stewart has more layers of different emotions in her voice than Danushka does.  Danushka’s voice is like a cross between a Russian schoolmarm and a permanently pissed off emo tween on downers. Here’s Danushka and her monotone voice not being impressed while talking shit about the other contestants. There’s spoilers in this clip if you care:

Her voice is like one long verbal eye-roll.

Another thing Danushka is the greatest at is not winning reality shows. Danushka was on Fear Factor Models Edition and she didn’t win. Danushka was on Charlie O’Connell’s season of The Bachelor and was cut during the first episode. And Danushka was on Chopped and didn’t win. I hope Danushka gets on another reality show, which she won’t win, so my ears can be reunited with her “don’t give a shit” voice.