2. Let’s just get it out of the way and declare The Hammaconda our new overlord already. It can get up, open doors and go to the bathroom by itself, so it’s only a matter of time before we’re all its slaves. I can’t wait.
When Kim Kartrashian birthed out the next generation of fame whores 5 weeks early, I just figured that she induced really early into the summer because she wanted to get all her fat sucked out in time for staged bikini photo-op season. But a source (yes, let’s just nod and pretend like the source isn’t Pimp Mama Kris) tells People that Kim had complications and that’s why she popped out the Kimye baby prematurely. The source also says that Kaptain Krunch Kardashian West came into the world 3 weeks early and not 5 weeks early as previously reported. Yes, this matters (no, it doesn’t).
Sources in Kim’s tight circle (Note to People: None of Kim’s circles are tight) say that Kim was admitted into Cedars-Sinai on June 14th due to complications. Kanye West had just came back from whoring out Yeezus in Europe and immediately ran to Kim’s side (read: took a leisurely ride from the airport to his mansion, spent a couple of hours picking out the perfect leather pants to wear in the waiting room, powdered his b-hole and tried to remember Kim’s name before finally going to the hospital). The sources say that Kim was about 37 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and she gave birth to the 5lb Illuminati golden child naturally. Kim and Kanye’s kid is still in an incubator at the hospital, but is doing fine. Well, as fine as a baby can be when Pimp Memaw Kris is shoving E!’s cameras in her faces and measuring her body for the monokini she’ll wear for her public unveiling on the first episode of KRIS!.
Everything I know about pregnancy I learned from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, so correct me if I’m the opposite of right, but isn’t 37 weeks considered full term? But then again, I’m pretty sure that the gestation period of the spawn of a gay fish and a factory-defected Real Doll is about 40 weeks, so maybe she really was premature. As for the name, Media TakeOut says they named their kid “Kaidence Donda West” and Hollywood Life says they’re naming her “Kai Georgia Donda West.” I say NO to both of those names. Since Kanye is obviously going to put his mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name, they should name her Donda Esta Ellos Kardashian West. I mean “Donda Esta Ellos?” is the question that the poor child will be asking her nannies every time her parents abandon her, which will be all the time.
And here’s PMK bonding with her middle shelf hos during a little family photo-op in Calabasas yesterday.
“Nothing goes with apple pie quite like a huge dollop of racism, y’all!”
Last year, Lisa Jackson, the former GM of the restaurant in Savannah that Paula Deen owns with her brother Bubba Hiers (Reminder: His government name IS Bubba Hiers) sued both of their butter-covered asses for treating her like shit lukewarm margarine during the 5 years she worked for them. Lisa claimed in her lawsuit that Bubba constantly sexually harassed her and that both Bubba and Paula Deen were deep fried racists who spit out n-bombs faster than they spit out a piece of raw broccoli that’s not covered in cheese and butter gravy. The National Enquirer (aka The Grain Of Salt Times) says that during a deposition on May 17th, which was videotaped, Paula not only admitted that Bubba is a cokehead porn-a-holic, but she also admitted to using the n-word and went on to mouth fart out some racist foolery. Lisa’s lawyers asked Paula if the n-word has ever fallen off of her tongue while telling a joke and she nonchalantly said:
“Yes, of course. It’s just what they are — they’re jokes…most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks…I can’t determine what offends another person.”
Then Lisa’s lawyer asked Paula about the time when she told her staff that her dream wedding is one where “little niggers” wear white suits and tap dance around while serving the guests. Paula didn’t deny saying that either and said she got the idea from a restaurant she went to:
“The whole entire waiter staff was middle-aged black men, and they had on beautiful white jackets with a black bow tie. I mean, it was really impressive. That restaurant represented a certain era in America…after the Civil War, during the Civil War, before the Civil War…It was not only black men, it was black women…I would say they were slaves.”
Well, I guess now we know that Paula pours melted butter on her crotch and does herself while watching Gone with the Wind. We also know that Django Unchained was probably the saddest movie Paula has ever seen. Django Unchained is Paula’s Where the Red Fern Grows. If this is Paula’s way of becoming the KKK’s (the racist group, not the group of whores run by Pimp Mama Kris) newest and most favorite racist pin-up ho, then it’s working.
Paula has previously denied saying racist crap and this is coming from The National Enquirer, so if you believe this then you’ll also have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a down-low bi-sexual sex fiend and that Kim Kartrashian faked her pregnancy. Actually, I believe both of those too. Damn you, Paula Deen! Fuck yourself with a stick of frozen margarine. You’re tainting butter for me!
Note: If you want a husband who will slap your ass around, yank at your hair, stick a finger up your b-hole, call you a sucio whore and choke you during fuck times, DO NOT EVER marry Armie Hammer. Because as soon as Armie Hammer puts that ring on your finger, he’ll go from using your hair as sex reins while hitting it from the back to softly whispering Shakespearean sonnets in your ear while doing it missionary style with the lights off. Or something like that.
Kathie Lee Gifford’s personal friend (bitch reminds us of this every other 10 minutes on Today) used to love to get into all sorts of kinky sex time add-ons when he wasn’t married, but now that he is somebody’s husband he’s poured ice water on all those urges, because he respects his wife too much. THIS BITCH. Arm & Hammer has said in other interviews that he really gets into tying knots and carries a rope with him at all times, so of course Playboy asked him he ever gets into some Fifty Shades of Grey shit with his wife and he said this:
Well, if you’re married to a feminist [journalist, restaurateur and actress Elizabeth Chambers] as I am, then it’s…. I don’t know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better—it’s not like I’m suffering in any way. But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair. It gets to a point where you say, “I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.”
So how does his wife feel about having respectful sex?
The two us will literally break out laughing in the middle of it, finish up and be like, “Well, that was oddly fun!” So it becomes a new kind of thing that’s less about “I want to dominate you” and more about both of us having a really good time. It’s just a different style.
Yeah, I don’t get the “breaking out laughing in the middle of it” thing. Usually when you laugh while boning it’s because someone farted or wet queefed, or it’s because you’re doing Jon Gosselin and realized he was serious when he said “yes” after you asked him if it’s all the way in. Some might say that it’s sweet that Armie does it with his wife vanilla-style out of respect, but not me. Can’t you respect me enough to disrespect me during sex times? I’d be pissed if I was Armie’s wife and he didn’t tell me that things would go from Basic Instinct to The Notebook after getting married. Armie should’ve said on the altar, “I promise to love, obey and respect you enough to not pull your hair and call you a dirty slut during sex.” That’s a deal breaker right there.
The Muppet roadkill wig(s) that Cher wore on the season finale of The Voice last night.
Who cares if Cher wore all the office supplies on her blazer last night? (Cher never knows when she might feel the sudden need to collate and staple.) Who cares if Cher opened herself up to a million Depends thong jokes when she wore Justin Bieber’s™ droopy diaper pants. Who cares if Cher’s new single “Woman’s World” sounds like the Euro remix of every song on her “Living Proof” album playing backwards at once. Who cares if Cher was so stiff that if she was lubed up, John Travolta would’ve grabbed a ladder, sat on her head and showed her what the inside of his Scientolohole looks like. Who cares if that performance was so confusing that I didn’t know if she was singing live, synching her lips to a track or if the track was synching to her lips. She’s Cher! She’s 67 and can do whatever the hell she wants.
Cher snatched every pop ho’s wig and threw them all on her head to perform on The Voice last night and made every bitch wish their plastic surgery looked that good when they’re almost 70. Cher still moves her body onstage more than Brit Brit does, but she was still as stiff as a dick on Viagra and I don’t care about that either. In case you missed it, here’s Cher doing the most while doing the least:
The best part of this beautiful mess was the pile of wigs on top of her head. I saw a picture on Yahoo! the other day of 6 king squirrels whose tails were fused together from huddling in a formation for so long and that’s pretty much what Cher’s wig looks like. She’s got a king squirrel formation on her head.
It looks like the pink one mounted the black one and is going balls deep while two other pink ones watch. There’s definitely some messed up shit happening on Cher’s head. PETA hates her, Mama June wants to eat her and I love her. She’s Cher!
Paula Abdul (51)
Atticus Shaffer (15)
Paul Dano (29)
Zoe Saldana (35)
Mia Maestro (35)
Rebecca Loos (36)
Hugh Dancy (38)
Poppy Montgomery (38)
Jean Dujardin (41)
Robin Tunney (41)
Lara Spencer (44)
Mia Sara (46)
Sadie Frost (48)
Kathleen Turner (59)
Ann Wilson (63)
Phylicia Rashad (65)
Salman Rushdie (66)
Gena Rowlands (83)
So this is what it would look like if the Fairy Godmother got drunk on fermented apples, got high on pixie dust and accidentally turned a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin into a royal skank instead of turning it into a carriage.
A knocked up Katie Price got sprayed down with bright orange car paint, put on one of Prince Poppycock’s rejected ensembles and threw the carcasses of a dozen Poochie dolls on her head to pose with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler at the launch of her latest literary masterpiece, which will obviously be studied in depth by lit majors at Cambridge. Since Katie’s latest soon-to-be Booker Prize winner is a romance novel, her stripper husband dressed up like a prince complete with a frog mask (it’s weird that he never took it off, right?) and she did herself up like a fried Cheeto covered in cotton candy . The people at the event whose retinas weren’t burnt off by the UV rays shooting off of Katie’s skin were stunned by the classiness and exquisiteness of it all.
In other Katie Price news, she recently got kicked out of a tanning salon because they wouldn’t let her expose her unborn fetus to the UV rays. Katie told the BBC that the salon was obviously just using her name to get some free publicity and there’s nothing wrong with charbroiling your fetus.
“I think there was a tanning shop opening down the road, so she probably wanted press for her one. You can go on sunbeds when you’re pregnant. It’s ridiculous. Look how brown I am. I’ve have just been on holiday. Is the sun bad for you? But anyway, whatever anyone says, it’s my life and I do what I like.”
Katie Price is one hundred percent correct. Her baby will be fine. I’m pretty sure Tan Mom’s mom conceived her in a tanning bed, birthed her in a tanning bed and used a tanning bed as her crib and she turned out fine! Besides, Katie Price does not want to give birth to a pasty white thing so she might as well tan her fetus while it’s lounging in there. Fetuses need something to do.
After being closed for CENTURIES (read: about a week), the doors to the comment section are finally opening up again tomorrow. It feels like I’ve been yelling at an empty big white box for the past week, which I kind of have. There’s going to be one big change, though. (This is the part where I down three shots of rubbing alcohol with a splash of gin.) The comments are moving to Disqus and mostly because it has the word DIQ in it.
When I first brought up the idea of moving to Disqus last week, some readers emailed me and said “YAAAAASSS!” to that shit and some readers emailed me and said “NOOOOOOO!” to that shit. I’ve been playing with Disqus on both ends (the commenter side and the moderator side, and yes, that’s the first time in years I’ve played with anything on both ends) for a few weeks, because a lot of people told me I should consider moving to it. After playing with it on both ends (yes, I wanted a reason to type that a second time), I felt it was the best thing for the site. So we’re going to try it and see how it goes. The comments from the old site will be lubed up and shoved into Disqus, but logins won’t. I figured that some of you might want to register with a different email address or post anonymously, so the logins won’t be moved over. With Disqus, you can either register for a Disqus account, post as a guest or if you really want your friends and loved ones to know your feelings about the Kartrashians, you can use your Facebook, Twitter or Google+ account.
As for other site stuff, we’re still fixing a few glitches and tweaking here and there (“Me too!” – Amanda Bynes). Remind to never move again. Thanks for the emails and thanks to the boxed wine at Target and my weed dispensary for being there for a bitch.
And you probably didn’t read any of that since you were getting lost in James Haven’s puckering anus lips. Here’s James Haven keeping the skull cap alive while puckering next to Jon Voight and a lady guest at last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z.
Kristen Stewart went to Hooters in Texas and actually smiled naturally and I’m guessing it has a lot to do with her being surrounded by chichis – Popsugar
Katy Perry says something no one should ever say out loud: “I’m madly in love with John Mayer” – Lainey Gossip
Two things: 1) I can’t wait to hear 12 hip hop songs of Amanda Bynes singing about how ugly everybody is and; 2) Wearing your wig in the Jacuzzi is never a good idea, but I’m okay with Amanda doing it, because at least her wig got sanitized – The Superficial
And 12 minutes later, the coroner came in to dispose of the hos that Russell Brand destroyed – Towleroad
Eddie Murphy’s newest piece is still in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna
Jessica Lee should write everybody’s yearbook quote from now on – Drunken Stepfather
The first picture is basically me in 35 years at the old sluts retirement home and I can’t wait – The Berry
Brooke Mueller has quit rehab and that isn’t the first time I’ve written those words and it probably won’t be the last – ICYDK
Eva Longoria looks like a slutty esthetician from the future – Popoholic
Please let there be a Wife Swap with Ivanka Trump and Katie Holmes – Celebitchy
Russell Brand is really, really smooth – IDLYITW
White Oprah better step it up, because Backdoor Farrah somehow found a way to be more delusional than her – Reality Tea
Panty Creamer of the Day: TILDA!!!!! – Just Jared
Charlie Sheen is trying to fire Selma Blair - I’m Not Obsessed
In case you really want to know how Serena Williams feels about the Steubenville rape case – Jezebel
THANK GOD Lindsay Lohan is at a rehab place that allows staged photo-ops – HuffPo
Nick Cannon’s got his very own Hammaconda – SOW
That bristle brush headpiece still looks better than Amanda Bynes’ wig – SOW
“YAAAASSS!” said my 8-year-old self – Videogum
WARNING: If you plan on going to a RiRi show, you should know that you will get a headache from listening to her live goat yodel voice and you may get a concussion when she clocks in the head with her mic.
During one of her shows, RiRi was singing in the audience when a bold ass fan decided it was a good idea to grab and pull her toward them. RiRi reacted by clocking that trick in the head with her mic and the sound of that BOOM is the reason why I’m cackling today. It could’ve been worse, though. RiRi could’ve knocked that trick’s head off by headbutting them with her infinity head. And RiRi and Miguel should really get together to co-headline The Concussion World Tour.
And I think I’m also suffering from a head injury from leaning my head over to watch all 14 seconds of that damn video.