The last time a baby was in Jessica Simpson’s womb, it was in there for approximately 2,000 Wendy Davis Filibusters (aka 36 months), so I thought she still had at least 6 months to go before popping out her second one. But I guess, her second kid decided to speed shit up , because at a hospital in L.A. this morning, he rode a wave of amniotic fluid out of Jessica’s vagine. Jessica’s rep tells UsWeekly that her and Eric Johnson decided to name their son and Maxwell Johnson’s little brother ACE KNUTE JOHNSON. My feelings about that name are best expressed through this picture of the late and great Knut the Polar Bear:
Actually, Jessica’s rep says that the name Knute is pronounced “ka-nute.” Jessica and Eric went with the name Knute because that’s his Swedish grandfather’s first name. Still. I KA-NUTE with the name Ace Knute Johnson. When Jessica said that she was naming her kid “Ace Johnson,” I slow clapped for her since Ace Johnson is a bro way of saying “Champion Penis.” But then she just had to throw KNUTE in there. According to this website, Knute is of Scandinavian origin and it means “knot.” So Jessica and Eric named their son Champion Knot Penis. He’s totally going to be the star of the Puppetry of the Penis reboot in 20 years.
And I’m sure that as soon as Ace Knute moved out, a new fetus moved in. I mean, it’s either put a baby in her body or fulfill the rest of her Weight Watchers contract. Buttered Pop Tarts for everyone!
Above is a clip of JLo performing for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of “one of the world’s most repressive countries,” at his extra fancy birthday party in Avaza, Turkmenistan last night. As expected, human rights groups and Mia Farrow are throwing shit at JLo for getting paid at least $1 million to perform for the dictator of a country with a shitty human rights record. Facebook, Twitter, most of the Internet and being openly gay is illegal in Turkmenistan and journalists have been psychically and mentally tortured in the country’s prisons. The president of the Human Rights Foundation shook his head at JLo and asked if she’s going to perform in Syria next.
“Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies, but her actions utterly destroy the carefully-crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International’s programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women,” said Human Rights Foundation (HRF) president Thor Halvorssen. “What is the next stop on her tour, Syria? The dictator of Kazakhstan’s birthday is July 6, maybe she will also pay him a visit?” Halvorssen asked.
Freedom House ranks the Berdymukhamedov dictatorship as one of the nine “worst of the worst”; Transparency international ranks it as a bottom-seven country in their Corruption Perception Index; Reporters Without Borders classifies him as a “predator of press freedom” and ranks Turkmenistan as the world’s third-worst place for journalists, between Syria, North Korea, and Eritrea; HRF considers it one of the world’s most totalitarian regimes. Berdymukhamedov was re-elected with 97% of the vote in 2012. The vote was so obviously fraudulent that the OSCE declined to even send observers.
Cut to JLo calling up the dictator of Kazakhstan to tell him that there’s too much heat on her right now and she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” at his birthday celebration next month, but can she keep the pile of blood stained money he gave her?
JLo’s spokeswhore played the dumb bitch role and said that JLo and nobody in her team knew about Turkmenistan’s human rights record. If they did know, she would’ve never performed there.
“Had there been knowledge of human rights issues any kind, Jennifer would not have attended.”
JLo’s spokeswhore didn’t say if she was planning to donate the money she made.
Ho, please. Like Casper Smart didn’t know something in the milk wasn’t clean when he Googled “best glory holes in Turkmenistan” and nothing came up? Are we really supposed to believe that none of JLo’s people know how to use Google? (Actually, I believe that). JLo would perform at Paula Deen’s slave-themed party if she was paid enough, so she obviously knew. And bitch knew that if she was called out on it, she’d pull some “Huh?! Wha? I thought Turkmenistan was Turkey’s full name! I had no idea!” shit. Well, I guess nothing will make you forget that you’re performing for an evil dictator like millions of dollars.
And in a surprise twist, it wasn’t Hulk Hogan who proposed to Brooke.
Potent classiness is probably dripping down your screen right now and it’s because that picture of a dude in an American t-shirt proposing to Brooke Hogan (who is keeping it exquisite in a white cutout dress and flip flops) in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas is several layers of elegant. Add Brooke Hogan’s name to the long list of hos who got engaged at the Bellagio. (Seriously, EVERYBODY gets engaged in front of the Bellagio’s squirt show.)
25-year-old Brooke Instagrammed (via UsWeekly) totally natural and not-at-all staged pictures of her 25-year-old boyfriend, Phil Costa of the Dallas Cowboys, slipping a ring on her finger in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas last night. As Hulk Hogan loudly weeped into his bandana over his little girl marrying someone other than him, Brooke wrote this:
“Happiest moment of my LIFE. I am marrying my best friend. I wouldn’t choose anyone else. I am so lucky and grateful.”
Never mind that Michele Bachmann is screaming, “See what happens when you legalize gay marriage, libtards!”, I can’t wait to see the white denim and lace chaps that honorary gay man Brooke will wear on her wedding day.
The immaculately crafted silicone tittyplate that Agnes Bruckner wore to play Anna Nicole in Lifetime’s Anna Nicole Smith biopic.
Lifetime’s Anna Nicole movie, which aired last night, failed me for several reasons. Honey Boo Boo did not play a young Vickie Lynn (missed opportunity!), Bobby Trendy did not make a cameo (it didn’t feel the same without Bobby Trendy’s MAC Glass-covered lips smearing my TV screen), Cousin Shelly and/or Cousin Shelly’s new teefs weren’t in it and neither was Kimmie (Droopy Dog Vicki’s daughter from Real Housewives of Orange County was BORN to play Kimmie). But there was a 10-second-long appearance from Sugar Pie and it featured the greatest performance from a piece of plastic in a basic cable mess since Lindsay Lohan’s lips in Liz & Dick.
During most Anna Nicole, Agnes Bruckner wears a silicone breastplate that steals every scene it’s in. If you painted faces on that breastplate, it would look like the poster for Coneheads. They looked like two bags made of rubber filled with concrete and they didn’t move once. Besides Agnes Bruckner (who was actually kind of good even though her accent dropped in and out), Cary Elwes as E. Prick and the wig on the dude who played Larry Birkhead, the silicone breastplate was the star of that mess!
Because those silicone chichis looked like they were molded by Michelangelo himself, I’m going to assume they came from BoobsForQueens.com (that’s BoobsForQueens.com). BoobsForQueens should really get an Emmy for their work.
Allegra Versace (27)
Michael Phelps (28)
Cheryl Cole (30)
Patrick Wolf (30)
Lizzy Caplan (31)
Monica Potter (42)
Phil Anselmo (45)
Peter Outerbridge (47)
Mike Tyson (47)
Vincent D’Onofrio (54)
David Alan Grier (58)
David Garrison (61)
Leonard Whiting (63)
Nancy Dussault (77)
And this is what it would look like if WWE Studios produced RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Fake eyelashes went flying and tucks game undone at the Miss Gay San Juan pageant in Peru when the judges announced the wrong winner. Sky News says that the runner-up went after the newly-crowned Miss Gay San Juan after she found out she was the true winner. The judges are the ones who should’ve gotten their asses whooped. Everybody knows that you should never ever try to take the crown off of a drag queen’s head. That’s the quickest way to getting an acrylic nail embedded into your cheek.
And really, the runner-up did it all wrong. You don’t attack a ho. Why ruin your nails and fuck up a good dress? Did she not learn anything from one of the most legendary wig snatching moves of all time? A true lady gets the crown that’s rightfully hers by doing this:
That’s how you snatch the crown while keeping it one hundred percent glamorous.