Michael Fassbender is Getting It On With Olympic Athlete Louise Hazel

Michael Fassbender, Bradley Cooper and a lady friend left a restaurant in London together last week and they were all walking to the car like they didn’t want to be seen together. Assbender walked south, B. Coop walked north and the lady friend sort of just trailed along behind them. You know how kids aimlessly stumble around after you blindfold them and spin them around during piñata times at a birthday party? That’s what Assbender and B. Coop looked like. They were doing the piñata time stumble.

I figured that Assbender and B. Coop were on a romantic dinner date together and they brought a decoy beard along to throw us off their butt sex trail. But nope! UsWeekly says that the lady friend is British Olympian Louise Hazel and she’s currently filling up her insides with Michael Fassbender’s tube steak dick. Some source says that Assbender has been talking to Louise a lot while filming the newest X-Men movie in Montreal and he goes to London often to see her ass. Assbender recently broke up with his Shame co-star Nicole Beharie and he dated Zoe Kravitz for a minute. So yup, a type: Assbender has one!

It’s sort of hard to believe that Louise and Assbender are doing it. She looks so calm and serene for a woman who has tackled Assbender’s crotch monster. She’s not squat walking and she doesn’t have ice over her crotch. But then again, Louise is a professional javelin thrower so she knows how to handle a long pole. (And yes, you can GONG me for that last one.)