The Cops Are Investigating Justin Bieber For Driving Like A Crazy Bitch

May 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Because I grew up in Southern California, I learned how to drive before I learned that shitting in the tub is not a good idea. (“Didn’t you just learn the latter like a week ago?” – you “Good point.” – me) In kindergarten, I learned the laws of the road before I learned how to write my full name. There was a little track in the kindergarten playground and for about 30 minutes a day, all us little kids would drive around it on Big Wheels. The teachers and aides would stand at different points on the track with traffic signs in their hands and we’d have to do what the traffic sign said. If it was a stop sign, we’d stop. If it was a slow sign, we’d slow down. If it was a yellow caution sign with a family running for their lives on it, we’d watch for Mexicans running across the highway. (I CAN’T with that sign. Not now. Not ever.) Well, Justin Bieber needs to spend a year at my old kindergarten, because he still doesn’t know how to obey traffic laws.

TMZ says that two of Justin Bieber’s neighbors called the police on Sunday when he sped through the streets AGAIN in his Ferrari while children were playing. When the police showed up to Justin’s gated community in Calabasas, CA, he was already inside his house and refused to talk to them. A rep for the L.A. County Sheriff Department said that once they’re done investigating Justin Bieber’s acts of reckless driving, they’re going to hand the case to the District Attorney.

But by the time the D.A. gets the case, Justin Bieber’s bodyguards might be peeling him off of the bottom of Keyshawn Johnson’s shoe. Apparently, former NFL player Keyshawn Johnson was one of the neighbors who didn’t appreciate Justin Bieber playing real-life Gran Turismo on the streets. Keyshawn was driving his Prius with his kid in the car when the Biebs sped by in his Ferrari. The sight of Justin speeding put Keyshawn in full-on “get off my lawn” mode. Keyshawn dropped his kid off at home and chased the Biebs’ Ferrari down in his Prius. When they got to the Biebs’ house, Keyshawn blocked his Ferrari in the driveway and got out to handle that little bitch. Since Justin is the size of a baby bunny’s kidney stone and Keyshawn is 6’4″, Justin got scared and ran his little ass inside and didn’t come out.

Why oh why didn’t someone record this glorious moment on a cell phone and upload it to YouTube? I wouldn’t even care if they shot it in portrait mode and portrait mode is my Kryptonite. The image of Justin Bieber pulling up his droopy diaper pants and screaming for his mommy while running away from Keyshawn would’ve made my week.

Seeing a hard motherfucker shit into his Underoos while crying for Jesus must’ve made Keyshawn say to himself “too easy,” because he drove his Prius back home. It would’ve been easy too. If Keyshawn just flicked his fingers at Justin really fast, Justin would’ve exploded into Beanie Baby sand. We should never forgive Keyshawn for not flicking his fingers at Justin when he had the chance.

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