Like A Snow-Covered Block Of Ice Wrapped In A Lace Doily…

May 23, 2013 / Posted by:

My abuelita just wants to grab Nicole Kidman, lay down on a bathtub and take a shower while standing on top of her. Because the pattern of Nicole’s dress is the same pattern as one of my abuelita’s old rubber bathtub mats. The first woman to be made entirely out of hardened Botox posed on the red carpet with Ang Lee at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Nebraska tonight.

Nicole is wearing Valentino and Lainey says this is the Valentino dress that Anne Hathaway was supposed to wear to accept her Oscar. But when Anne learned that life-ruining, dress-stealing sabotaging bitch Amanda Seyfried was wearing a dress that sort of looked like hers, she instead wore a dress that made her tits look like pink origami pyramids. I’m actually surprised that Anne didn’t put itching powder in Amanda’s dress or throw a period stain on it so she could wear the Valentino.

But now Nicole is wearing it and looks like fondant bride on top of a wedding cake. If that dress had lungs and a mouth, it would totally breathe a sight of relief, because it was so close to being an accessory to Anne’s “it came true…” speech.

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