I’m looking at the yellow rubber
Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.
Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong’s b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:
“I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole…I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: ‘Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass’..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?…I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”
Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I’d always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong’s roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I’m surprised that Lance’s bike seat isn’t shaped like a giant tongue.
April’s friend is a brave bitch, though. She’s a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She’s also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance’s wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April’s friend could’ve lost her tongue. That’s like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you’re tossing Lance’s salad and the next minute you’re picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.
And now we know what’s really going on in this picture:
If that’s not a “So, can I sit on your face?” look, I don’t know what is.