Somewhere in Hell, Lucifer is crying out “NOOOOOOO!!!!” while huddled around a space heater with his Snuggie-wearing minions, because the Ninth Circle and all of the other Circles dropped below the freezing mark when the dark orb of darkness in Posh Beckham’s chest cracked open during David Beckham’s last football home game with Paris Saint-Germain last night. Posh hasn’t gotten this emotional since she was knocked up and gained 1/100th of a pound.
While watching her husband’s team win, a single tear trickled out of Posh’s eye hole and dropped down onto the ground before burning through the cement and falling through all the levels of the stadium. When her tear reached the basement, it burned through the floor, burned through all the layers of the Earth and eventually fell into a fiery pity in Hell, causing the entire underworld to freeze over. And it’s all because of this:
I see his teammates came up with an excuse to touch his ass.
Shit, my no-no’s shedding a tear too, because Becks retiring means that there will be less pictures of his bulge and nipples. And Becks must be shedding several tears, because now what will be his excuse to visit his side tricks in other cities?