Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.
At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.
“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”
(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)
When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”
Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.
Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.