Would You Hit It?

May 11, 2013 / Posted by:

If you have a vagina, it’s probably so squeaky clean that you can serve brunch off of it, because you’re in the presence of mega douchebag: CRISS ANGEL! With his nipples out, a Bump-It in his hair (that HAS to be a Bump-It), his Diesel chonies showing and his belt buckle pushed to the side (because he’s a trendsetter like that), the douche wizard shot an episode of his Spike TV show in Las Vegas on Thursday night.

I know Criss Angel’s hair always looks like something you’d find inside of a cage in the trauma ward of an animal hospital, but his hair looks extra fucked up here. Dude’s entire head looks like it’s covered in clip-on bangs. Dude looks like Anthony Kiedis after losing a fight with a Flowbee or the derpiest Jonas Brother after getting his haircut by who ever cuts the Long Island Medium’s hair.

Thanks to that Kate Gosselin circa 2007 hair and all that foundation smeared on his face, Criss Angel looks like somebody’s aunt, but he doesn’t look like my aunt, so I’d hit it. Typing that makes me want to dip my hands in boiled bleach, but the truth is the truth.

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