Open Post: Hosted By A Refined Florida Jewel

May 9, 2013 / Posted by:

There’s just too much YES in this picture from the dude on the left saying “I did not clock in to deal with this fuckery” look in his eyes to the kid at the bottom throwing a side-eye of sympathy at that Noah dude to the girl hanging her head in shame to those two pinnacles of society doing Florida proud. Picture, meet and get to know the wall of my iPhone, because you two are going to be together for a long time.

Deadspin says that this classy leather blossom who flipped off Joakim Noah at the Heat vs. Bulls game last night isn’t just your regular middle finger-throwing vixen. Her name is Filomena “Phyllis” Tobias and her story should be turned into a Showtime mini-series starring Edie Falco (or Cameron Diaz if Edie is too busy with that Nurse Jackie shit). Bitch was accused of murdering her fourth husband and more!

Before marrying millionaire hedge-funder Seth Tobias, Phyllis was married three times and one of her ex-husbands accused her of being a pill-popping mess who regularly beat his ass. Phyllis married Seth in 2005 and during their marriage, he allegedly snorted more coke than your average Lohan, gambled away tons of money and was accused of getting it on with male hustlers. Phyllis did nothing but spend their money and constantly get on her husband about being a cokehead. New York Magazine published a fascinating and crazy story about this scandal in 2008 and you really should read all of it if you haven’t, but in the meantime here’s one of the best parts:

Phyllis would often appear at the office and demand cash. “Give me 15,000 fucking dollars. Give me 15,000 fucking dollars,” she hissed on one visit, according to the former Circle T staffer. Tobias had promised Phyllis that he would stop using cocaine, but she didn’t believe him. In the fall of 2005, the couple was having dinner at Bice, a Palm Beach restaurant, with six other people. Just after sitting down, Phyllis jumped from her seat and placed her lips over Tobias’s nose and began sucking. She was searching for cocaine residue.

That might sound crazy, but that’s how the Lohans greet each other and it’s kind of touching when they do it.

To make a long, scandalous story shorter, Seth was found dead in the pool of their Jupiter, FL mansion in 2007. Phyllis’ gay phone psychic Billy Ash later claimed that she crushed Ambien pills into Seth’s pasta the night he died. Billy also claimed that Phyllis and Seth met at a sex party and their marriage was only one of convenience. He wanted a trophy wife beard and she wanted a rich husband. Billy also said that Phyllis once kidnapped a gay stripper named Tiger, because Seth was really into him and it made her jealous. It goes on and on and on… Phyllis was later cleared and she inherited a huge chunk of her late husband’s fortune.

Andy Cohen should really be fired, because I can’t believe this bitch hasn’t been given her own show on Bravo!

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