Nick Lachey Doesn’t Miss Playing “Grab-Ass” Under The Simpson Family Table

May 8, 2013 / Posted by:

98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what’s the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, “EVERYTHING!” Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey’s head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:

“The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don’t have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore.”

Okay, I’m interpreting that two ways:

1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn’t allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other’s parts on the down low.

2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick’s ass while blessing the food.

I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that’s the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I’m sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that’s my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I’d take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.

I’m still confused, so I’m just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick’s ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other….and now I’m disturbed.

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