The Royal Wedding Of The Decade Is Happening Today

May 5, 2013 / Posted by:

The makers of Mountain Dew fountains, flute-shaped Red Solo cups and pork rind-flavored edible garter belts were all out of jobs when Brit Brit canceled her wedding to Jason Trainwreck, but happy days are here again, because Mama June has come to the rescue!

TMZ says America’s answer to Kate Middleton, Mama June, will marry her man Sugar Bear today in front of TLC’s cameras. Guests were told to leave their cell phones and video cameras at home and the workers were told to do themselves up in their best redneck ensemble.

Sugar Bear and Mama June first met in an online chat room (I’m guessing the butter lovers room) 9 years ago and out came Honey Boo Boo a couple of years later.

Mama June’s something old will be the cheese ball necklace passed down from generation to generation. Her something new will be the fresh fart she’ll bust out at the altar during their I dos. Her something borrowed will be Glitzy’s tiara. And her something blue will be her Forklift Foot when it really loses its circulation after she shoves it into a bridal heel. What I’m saying is that Mama June is going to be the most beautimous bride of the year (sorry, Kee-ERA!) And we’ll all swoon out of our chonies when Sugar Bear kisses his new bride’s luscious layer of chins, because he’s too short to reach her mouth.

Fill your flute-shaped Red Solo cup with sketti sauce and let’s toast to Mama June and Sugar Bear!

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