During Lindsay Lohan’s 24-hour cross-country rehab disaster, White Oprah has been strangely silent and I figured she was still passed out from partying at her daughter’s going away to rehab party. Nana Lohan finally dropped a bucket of ice water on White Oprah’s passed out ass, woke her up and told her E! was on phone. White Oprah spoke to E! and told them that LiLo was planning to go to rehab even if the courts didn’t make her (insert an eye roll here) and even though she’s said it ten thousand billion times before, she’s ready to get completely clean this time.
White Oprah also said that LiLo didn’t go to the Seafield Center in the Hamptons because of the smoking thing. She didn’t go, because Michael Lohan used to be a patient there years ago and like everybody in the world, the staff hates him and doesn’t want to see his face. White Oprah kicked Michael Lohan in the vagina by saying that the staff was afraid he was going to visit LiLo.
Even though LiLo has most likely snuck out of Betty Ford and is terrorizing Palm Springs right now, White Oprah says that she’s happy to be in rehab and is totally committed to getting dry.
“I am so relieved and thankful that Lindsay is getting the help she needs in a credible place. She actually wanted to go, whether the court said to or not. She is happy there, to get introspective and get back on the right track.
The people are so dedicated at that place. It is a great facility. [Lindsay] didn’t give anyone trouble. She had just gotten word [that Morningside] wasn’t approved by the court. She didn’t want to unpack and then a few days later have to move. She felt it was best to get into a place that the court has approved and let her start her treatment. They are very protective of paparazzi and leaks and very professional. She just needs to heal peacefully and quietly.
She has a different frame of mind this time. She realizes and she knows she needs help this time. She was like, ‘I’m sorry, Mommy.’ And I tell her, ‘Don’t say you are sorry. You just have to work on yourself and on getting well. Don’t beat yourself up.’ The bottom line is that [addiction] is a disease. It is a gene. Pretty much one in every family in the world carries it. It is difficult. You just have to heal.”
Before you say that White Oprah should be bunking with her daughter at Betty Ford, I’ll have your ass know that she doesn’t have that gene. Yeah, she did have it once, but she drank so much vodka, gasoline, peroxide and battery acid over the centuries that it burnt away and now it’s gone. So there!