Laura Jeanne Poon Apologizes For Being A Drunken, Mouthy Mess

May 2, 2013 / Posted by:

During her first interview since she got put into handcuffs for giving the sweet nectar a bad name by being a boozed up, belligerent  wreck, Reese Witherspoon told George Stethoscopealis on Good Morning America that she is sorry for being a bitch to a cop and she was so damn drunk that all kinds of words flew out of her pie hole.

George spoke for all of America when he told Reese that the things about her in the police report didn’t sound like the Reese Witherspoon all of us know. Well, I pretty much only know Reese from the characters she’s played in movies and what she told the cop is exactly what some of her characters (see: Tracy Flick and Vanessa Lutz aka the only characters of hers that matters) would say to a cop, so shut up and speak for yourself, George.

Anyway, Reese must’ve spent all of her Wednesday night memorizing and rehearsing this apology speech with her team of publicists, because it was the best interview she could’ve given and she acted her ass off. Reese said that her and her husband Jim Toth had too many glasses of wine while out to dinner in Atlanta and made the mistake of turning their Ford Focus into a death machine on wheels by driving drunk. Reese said that they both know better and they should’ve never done that and they’ll never do it again. George then brought up the spoiled stream of entitled shit that came out of Reese’s drunk mouth (example: “Do you know my name?” and “You’re about to be on national news!“) and she explained it like this:

“I saw [the cop] arresting my husband and I literally panicked. I told him I was pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things.”

Reese then mouth farted out this line that I’m sure at least four screenwriters wrote for her: “I played a lawyer in a movie so many times I think I am a lawyer. . .And clearly I’m not a lawyer because I got arrested.”

And then Reese’s entire damage control team ran in front of the cameras and took their bows as Jim Toth threw roses at their feet.

Reese should always be drunk, because telling a cop that she’s pregnant while being drunk off her ass is the funniest thing she’s ever done. I’m surprised she didn’t pull an old timey stunt by fake fainting. And if Reese really wanted to tell the cop some crazy shit, she should’ve told him that she’s an Oscar winner and is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood.

via Gossip Cop

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