Goopy Never Places Demands On Chris Martin

May 2, 2013 / Posted by:

The world’s most beautiful and hated person Goopy Paltrow talked to Glamour UK (via UsWeekly) about her marriage to Chris Martin and thankfully she didn’t talk about how she rage blows him every time he’s mad at her. Goopy says that their marriage has gone through some terrible times (like the time he kissed her right after he drank a cup of British tap water) and they haven’t gotten a divorce, because divorce is for bougies! The highest members of high society like to keep their marriages cold, distant, loveless and miserable, because being warm, affectionate and happy around the servants at dinnertime is really damn tacky.

“It’s hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We’re the same as any couple. I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and mom stay married for 33 years?’ and he said, ‘Well we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’ And I think that’s what happened. When two people throw in the towel at the same, then you break up, but if one person’s saying, ‘Come on, we can do this,’ you carry on.”

Methinks Goopy is usually that one person and she usually says, “You better not humiliate me with a divorce or I’ll show up to all of your concerts and dance in the front row.” Stay married to Goop > Let Goop terrorize your eyes with her dancing for the rest of your life!

Goopy also says that she basically lets Chris do whatever he wants, because he’s a genius or something.

“I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he’s a really talented man and he’s putting something good into the world.”

Never mind that this bitch is about as grounded and homey as one of Lady Grantham’s high flying queefs, she’s right about never placing demands on Chris Martin. Yes, Goopy demands that Chris Martin never use her fine silverware after he’s put his mouth on a peasant’s crotch and she demands that he only eats what she eats, but other than that and 10,000 other demands, she makes no demands!

And I hate Glamour UK for making me think of Gwyneth Paltrow’s mean muffin. I bet when Goopy’s muffin gets mean, she makes it suck off Chris Martin. Ugh.

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