Out, Damned Natalie Portman! Out, I say!

April 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Yesterday, it was announced that Michael Fassbender is going to play Macbeth in a new Macbeth movie, and I don’t really see him in that role, but it sort of makes sense for him to play the King of Scotland since his dick is as big as the Loch Ness Monster. I secretly wished that they wouldn’t mess up with the casting of Lady Macbeth, but guess what? Those hateful bitches did. Screen Daily says that when Macbeth starts shooting later this year, Natalie Portman will bring out her signature ugly cry to play Lady Macbeth. I’m sure William Shakespeare’s grave is filled with only bone dust and a dusty lace ruff, but if lace ruffs can turn, I bet it’s turning over this news.

Lady Macbeth is one of Shakespeare’s hottest bitches, because she’s a legendary schemer, is thirty layers of insane and if she was around today, she’d destroy all of those Real Housewives whores in a second. Natalie Portman can play crazy, because she is crazy, but she is no Lady Macbeth. Maybe one of Lady Macbeth’s mute, bland handmaidens, but not Lady Macbeth. I mean, bitch didn’t even serve cake at her wedding and you know Lady Macbeth rolled around naked on her own wedding cake. Seriously, anybody would be a better Lady Macbeth than Natalie Portman and here’s a few better choices off the top of my brain:

1. Tilda Swinton
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Thandie Newton
4. Julianne Moore
5. Alan Cumming
6. Sweet Brown (“This spot? I ain’t got time for that!“)
7. Tanya Turner from Footballers Wives
8. Tan Mom
9. Liza Minnelli’s clit
10. Meryl Streep in a coma
11. Harald Glööckler
12. Jinx Monsoon
13. Courtina Stodden 
14. My Tio Jorge in drag as Celia Cruz
15. a plate of cold haggis

Basically, anybody but Natalie Portman…. Anne Hathaway…. Goopy Paltrow…. and Katherine Heigl. Oh shit, I bet they’re going to cast Anne, Goopy and Katherine as the witches. Come you, spirits, kill me now!

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