The $17 Million Rhode Island Mansion That Dozens Of Break-Up Songs Bought

April 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift is once again showing all of us that we’re in wrong line of work (unless you’re line of work is waxing Anderson Cooper’s butt cheeks… If that’s the case, you’re in the right line of work always.) and should’ve turned every entry from our Lisa Frank diaries into an annoying country pop song. Because if we did that, our asses would be the ones buying a $17 million mansion with cash.

TMZ says that Holly Hobbie’s secret love child pulled 17 million $1 bills out of her Strawberry Shortcake coin purse and bought a 1930s 8 bedroom mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. The 11,000 square foot mansion sits on 5.23 acres and has ocean views and a pool. It was originally listed for $20 million. Fun fact: Taylor’s new mansion is exactly half of the size of Rhode Island itself, so if you’re in Rhode Island, run before it’s too late!

I asked myself, why in the shit does Taylor Swift need 8 bedrooms? But then I remembered that she needs an altar room devoted to the object of her current stalking affection, a revenge room devoted to the ex-pieces she’ll write songs about, a room for her cat, a dressing room for her cat and a room big enough to house the huge telescope she’ll use to spy on the neighbor’s barely legal white son.

And here’s pictures of the new Casa de Fuck You John Mayer. When Taylor’s done with it, it’s going to look like Disneyland ate Laura Ashley and then violently threw up into every room.

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