Suck on a ginger candy and get yourself a tall glass of soda water and a plate of saltines, because the heaves are a comin’.
Goopy Paltrow tells Ellen, in an episode airing today, that she obviously couldn’t wear panties under the dress she wore to the Iron Man 3 premiere in Hollywood, so she had to do a little last-minute goop grooming. Goopy wants us to believe that dress was her only dress option (eye roll #1) and that she had no choice but to wear it (eye roll #2) and so her people had to find a razor to shave her goop fur off with (eye roll #3 + the heaves). Here’s Goopy and Ellen’s conversation about her wild crotch forest (via UsWeekly):
Goop: I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV!
Ellen: Well, now you’ve told it.
Goop: Well, let’s just say that everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day.
Ellen: I really have some questions now. You certainly don’t take care of yourself. I mean, it was just the side of your leg. What is going on with you?
Goop: I work a 70s vibe, you know?
I’m with Ellen. Why would Goop need to shave the overgrown shrub on her Apple maker when she was just showing off her ass? Couldn’t she just put her pubes into a low messy bun and call it a day? Is this Goopy’s way of telling us that she has ass hair? Bitch had to shave her ass! I have heard that butt fur is a sign of true royalty. I mean, Queen Elizabeth has to take a Flowbee to her ass.
But seriously, Goopy is such a luxurious creature that she’s got one of those Rumpelstiltscrotches and spins strands of gold from her coochie area. So I’m sure that once her slaves shaved all of the golden pube fur off of her crotch, they melted it down and made dozens of solid gold clip-on labia rings that you can soon buy on GOOP for $50,000 each.
And if you haven’t heaved enough, here’s Goopy rapping and singing a few lyrics of a Beyonce song.