Jessica Alba Wore A Double Corset For Three Months To Lose Weight

Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she’s got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:

“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you’re trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye’s drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.

Here’s Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.

Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want Justin Theroux To Sign A Prenup

After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I’m still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn’t making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).

Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she’s worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin’s reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:

“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.

Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.

Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They’re going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let’s say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That’ll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.

And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.

What Old People Think Of Gay Sex

Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he’s asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan’s kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said “cum cum cum” and she won it again when she said, “I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around.”

via Buzzfeed

Afternoon Crumbs

jeal·ous·y – an emotion I feel toward that plastic baby doll – Lainey Gossip

My ear drums haven’t yet recovered from being beaten up by Russell Crowe’s singing voice and now Hollywood is going to make sure that my ear drums stay bruised, because they want Channing Tatum to sing in the Guys & Dolls remake – The Berry 

Marvel is so wrong for putting Quicksilver in an Avengers movie after Andy Rooney’s death, because he was the only one with brows glorious enough to play that role – The Superficial 

What Michelle Rodriguez is trying to say is that she likes a butch chick who knows how to operate a strap-on – Celebitchy

RuPaul gets in bed with Joan Rivers – Towleroad

This isn’t a promo video for H&M. It’s private home videos of Beyonce having a regular day at the beach – Drunken Stepfather

The look IS Kate Hudson looking like a mob mistress/used car dealership secretary – Hollywood Tuna 

Selena Gomez’s doing the bindi thing again… – Popoholic

I didn’t know Claire’s sold yellow glass rings – Reality Tea 

Mischa Barton actually looks good in a “prairie time maid” sort of way – ICYDK

Ireland Baldwin is as good at dancing as Alec Baldwin is at not being a douche – IDLYITW

Well, aren’t Elektra and Spider-Man arch rivals? – Just Jared

Chuck Bass is wearing the same outfit I wore to my first day of the 4th grade and it wasn’t cute then and it really isn’t cute now – Popsugar

Vanessa Minnillo is going to put the zzzzz in Ohio – Celebslam

My ears are the wettest in the building, because they’re filled with barf – Crunk + Disorderly

The weirdest and most disturbing threesome I’ve seen in a while – SOW

“And the only boobs I’m interested in signing are the ones on Jesse Metcalfe!” said Tommy Girl – I’m Not Obsessed

Open Post: Hosted By Zac Efron In A T-Shirt

Here’s pretty pretty princess Zac Efron puckering for the paps on the set of his frat boy movie Townies in L.A. yesterday. I will forgive Zac for that Brillo Pad hair, because he wore a marijuana leaf belt buckle and that’s basically inviting hos to ask him if they can toke on the joint in his pants.

In other Greek news, that crazy sorority bitch who spat out an email of pure poetry was basically cunt punted out of Delta Gamma. Whatever, now she can focus on her new cunt punt™ line of products (think of a flat-bottom boat shaped like a chocha).

Today’s Side-Eye Throwdown Brought To You By Blue Ivy Carter

Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one’s invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she’s already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn’t?), which means that she’s going to be at least 8 feet tall. That’s the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I’m sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter’s lawyers, because I see her throwing a “you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?” side-eye. Just like her mom!