Jennifer Aniston Got Cupped

Somewhere in England (isn’t it always “somewhere in England” with Goop?), Goopy Paltrow is thinking to herself, “Ugh, cupping is SO 9 years ago,” as she looks at these pictures of a fellow member of The Brad Pitt’s Ex-Pieces Club Jennifer Aniston at a screening for Lifetime’s Call Me Crazy in Los Angeles last night. Because Jennifer Aniston wanted everyone to talk about her cupping marks, she wore some weird strapless, decapitated tuxedo outfit thing. Because Jennifer Aniston wanted everyone to think she doesn’t want everyone talking about her cupping, she sloppily covered up the marks with some light ass foundation.

Cupping is a form of ancient Chinese medicine that’s supposed to stimulate circulation by attaching glass cups to the skin via suction or heat. Some people are into that shit. Personally, I like to stimulate circulation through the other kind of cupping: cupping the balls during a beej. That’s just me. (Side note: I wonder if cupping my butt will stimulate circulation to my b-hole again… Hmm…)

I can’t wait to see how the tabloids tie Aniston’s cupping marks to her desperately wanting a baby or desperately wanting to be a wife. We all know that drunk ass Aniston only got cupped, because she thinks that stimulating circulation means that the tequila will run through her veins faster. Bitch might be on to something…