Ozzy Osbourne Fell Off The Wagon, But He’s Not Getting a Divorce

Yesterday, the mound of rotten cottage cheese in my head farted up the image of Ozzy Osbourne walking aimlessly in a circle with his dick in his hand for hours, because TMZ said that he’s no longer living with Sharon Osbourne and how can he function without her ass?! TMZ said that Sharon and Ozzy are living in different places and not spending any time together.

As Sharon tried to cure herself of the sads in Mehico, Ozzy wrote a Facebook letter to his family and fans where he said that his marriage isn’t completely over, but he spent all of last year guzzling down booze and the bad shit, so he needs some time to get his shit right.

For the last year and a half I have been drinking and taking drugs. I was in a very dark place and was an asshole to the people I love most, my family. However, I am happy to say that I am now 44 days sober.

Just to set the record straight, Sharon and I are not divorcing. I’m just trying to be a better person.

I would like to apologize to Sharon, my family, my friends and my band mates for my insane behavior during this period………and my fans.

God Bless,
Ozzy

Ozzy and Sharon have been married for a million years and they’ve probably been through this a million times before. Ozzy gobbles down the bad shit, gets messed up, bites off at an animal’s head, gets in a mumble fight with the air, Sharon leaves, Ozzy gets clean, Sharon comes back, etc… etc… I’ll bet my entire collection of anal beads that they’ll get back together. Ozzy should hope that they get back together before Black Sabbath’s tour starts in August, because he’s going to need her ass. I don’t know how Ozzy is going to walk on stage let alone perform for thousands of people. They should use a hologram.