If Mushu from Mulan shoved two stress balls in his cheeks, dipped himself in melted wax,taped two rubber tarantulas onto his eyelids, glued white Chiclets over his teeth, squeezed himself into a clearance rack gown from Windsor Fashions and put on a polyester wig that weighs more than him, he’d look exactly like Snooki at last night’s MTV Movie Awards.
Snooki says that she lost a whole lot of chunk, but it looks more like all of her body fat went straight up to her head and weave. Bitch looks like a bobblehead doll of Miss Midget South America 1989 (please tell me such a pageant exists). Ho is giving us some “Oompa Loompa in Kardashian drag” glamour.
And here’s a few other tricks and tramps from last night’s show. In order: Snooki, a rubber Thundercats action figure in a dress, Eddie Redmayne, the last place loser in a Steve Nicks look-alike contest sponsored by Hot Topic, Macklemore with Ryan Lewis, RUUUUU!, Selena Gomez (wearing one of Charo’s old costumes), Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Kerry Washington and a bloated and constipated alien.