Portia de Rossi Will Never Come Down With A Case Of The BABIES!!!!!!

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres’ 26-acre, $16 million horse ranch in Hidden Valley (and now I want some ranch dressing) will never have a drop of baby diarrhea on its floors and the maids will never have to scrub toddlers barf out of their imported French rugs, because they plan to remain child-free forever. While every trick in Hollywood is filling her uterus with a fetus, Portia tells Out Magazine she and Ellen decided a long time ago that the only thing they’re going to use a turkey baster for is to suck their clits with. (Related: Why did I read this entire article on the many uses of a turkey baster?)

“There comes some pressure in your mid-30s, and you think, Am I going to have kids so I don’t miss out on something that other people really seem to love? Or is it that I really genuinely want to do this with my whole heart? I didn’t feel that my response was ‘yes’ to the latter. You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So it’s just going to be me and Ellen and no babies — but we’re the best of friends and married life is blissful, it really is. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.”

You know, I’ve asked myself the same thing. In 20 years when I’m sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my 9 dogs and we’re all fighting over the last turkey drumstick, am I going to wish that there was a kid across from me, telling me how much I ruined their life and that they hate me and they wish that I would choke on a jellied-slice of canned cranberry sauce? Is my black heart of bitterness going to be incomplete without that moment? Probably not, because I’ll be too drunk to notice. Yes, misery loves company, but that’s what Jack Daniels is for.

And that cover is giving me major “Justin Bieber does Laugh-In” vibes.