Goopy Paltrow Hates Botox, But Loves American Spirits

April 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above wearing the protective face net that keeps the essence of the middle class from touching her skin when she goes to the liquor store to buy American Spirits, Goopy Paltrow talked to Harper’s Bazaar about her life and has once again filled my eyes with poop-covered drops of gold. Here’s my favorite part out of the whole thing:

Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it “international month,” and amusing Moses and his big sister, Apple, 9, with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons, no less), Paltrow admits that her dreams of relocating the family to their recently acquired residence in Brentwood, California, are becoming ever more urgent. “Just to have my kids be in the sun every day—picking avocados, going for a swim,” she says. “Even for two years or something, and come back when they go to senior school.”

So at 7 years old, Moses can probably get a job as a sous chef at Nobu and he can tell you who his 5 favorite Italian chefs are….and he can tell you in Italian. At 7 years old, I didn’t even know sushi existed, the only thing I rolled was Play-Doh and my favorite Italian chef was (and still is) Chef Boyardee. THE RICH: They’re not like us!

And then Goopy denied that she’s ever had her face pulled, but she did get Botoxed up once:

“I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

If only they Botoxed her tongue… Well, Goopy probably figured that the shit that comes out of her mouth lets the world know that she’s nuts, so there’s no use in communicating that with her face too.

Finally, Goopy admits that her one guilty pleasure is sucking on an American Spirit cigarette every Saturday night. I can picture her now. Goopy lounges in the garden of her London townhouse and while Moses is inside making raw dolphin sashimi for dinner, she takes a long drag of that American Spirit and says to herself in her natural British accent, “Oh, those Americans are useless buggers, but they do know how to make a good fag. Pip pip.”

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